How to Pray… No, I Mean… Really Pray

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I loved this article. Here is a synopsis of it.

Become Like a Little Child

Jesus wants us to be without pretense when we come to him in prayer. Instead, we often try to be something we aren’t. We begin by concentrating on God, but almost immediately our minds wander off in a dozen different directions. The problems of the day push out our well-intentioned resolve to be spiritual. We give ourselves a spiritual kick in the pants and try again, but life crowds out prayer. We know that prayer isn’t supposed to be like this, so we give up in despair. We might as well get something done.

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Doing the Hard Thing

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Do you want to really know your Father in Heaven?

Do you want to have an intimate relationship with Him?

Do you want to feel His Love, Wisdom and Power in your life?

Well, there’s one way I know of  that will give you this.

It’s called Doing The Hard Thing.”

Rabbit Climbing Stairs Continue reading

Everyone is a ‘Person of Color’

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This is something that ‘s been on my mind for a very long time.

I don’t believe the world actually consists of ‘whites’ and ‘people of color’. In real reality, there are no ‘blacks’ and ‘whites’. The blacks are actually different levels of brown; light brown, medium brown and dark brown. And the whites are actually pink and tan. The native americans are red and the asians are yellow. Indians are also brown – Latins and Arabs are caramel.

So you see, everyone is a ‘person of color’. It’s a level playing field folks.

How to keep up with daily meditation

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I got this from my therapist. She suggested that I put a star on a calendar when I meditated. This got me thinking. I like stickers – all kinds of goofy stickers. Continue reading

Matthew 9:4-6

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Why would Jesus say that being healed on earth is compared to being saved for heaven? That makes no sense. How are these two things equal to each other? Even in the same category?

Matthew 9:4-6
Knowing their thoughts, Jesus said,

Why do you entertain evil thoughts in your hearts? Which is easier: to say, ‘Your sins are forgiven,’ or to say, ‘Get up and walk’? But I want you to know that the Son of Man has authority on earth to forgive sins.

So he said to the paralyzed man,

Get up, take your mat and go home.

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A Wasted Life

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I’m so sad. I’m crying my guts out right now.

I wasted my life. I’m 65 and I didn’t do anything with it. I had so much potential and it’s all gone down into the gutter. I got off the alcohol when I was 25 but I was doing white flour and sugar instead. I’m so alcoholic that those substances got me high. So, in doing them I avoided doing work to get the mean, nasty voices from my childhood out of my head. Voices that told me what a piece of shit I was – and stupid. I didn’t get off the flour/sugar until I was 30 years sober and then God removed those voices for me. But it’s a day late and a dollar short for me. I could have done great things with my life, but instead I’ve spent it all recovering from what happened to me as a child. This is all I’ve done with it. Nothing else. I feel so sad about this. So So So sad!!! I can’t tell you how sad I feel at seeing my life slip through my fingers and go nowhere.

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How to Stop Suicide Obsession

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(I used to be suicidally depressed but by practicing this attitude for the last 20 years or so, I got turned around.)

Like Looking for Golden Easter Eggs  —  It’s My Job to Find Them. To load my basket full of these Golden Gems of Happiness. For me, it’s an essential secret ingredient to having a decent life

Then I will make up to you for the years that the swarming locust have eaten. The creeping locust, the stripping locust and the gnawing locust,  “You will have plenty to eat and be satisfied

Joel 2:25

This is my life passage. The more I think this way, the more abundant my life has become. It has been my experience that my life’s course is definitely affected by how I think about it.

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How to Make Life More Meaningful

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(This came in my e-mail)

.Hi, It’s Dr. Jonice and one of the things I’ve noticed in my practice is that one of the most pernicious results of Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) is also…

Amazingly – the most directly fixable.

Who hasn’t, at some moments of their lives, wondered…

 What it’s all for?

What’s the point?

Why am I here on this earth?

What am I supposed to be doing?

Does anything really matter?

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Why I Haven’t Been Able to Meditate

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So I’m doing my darnedest to do a breathing meditation. It’s been 3 weeks so far. I know this because I have a calendar that I’m putting stickers on to mark the days I do it. So far I haven’t missed a single day. I haven’t missed because I don’t want any days on the calendar that don’t have a sticker on them. Tonight I managed to do it at 8:30 pm. I do it for half an hour in my computer chair with an MS Word document up that I can quickly jot down things I need to remember so I don’t have to hold them in my brain. It’s so difficult trying to do this meditation. Up til now my attempts have met with a 100% failure rate. But with the stickers as motivation, it’s finally coming together.

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Coffee Grounds

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i dumped the coffee grounds this morning… all over everything.

i was trying to be so careful to take the coffee grounds container out of the coffee maker.

It flipped over.

It didn’t just flip over – it flipped over backwards.

Into everything on the counter that it could possibly flip into.

Wet coffee grounds… in every appliance – in the kitchen basket where i keep my rubber bands and pot holders.

i got so mad.

i feel really…  picked on.

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It Aches

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My jaw bone aches. I had a root canal done on it last week and it’s been aching ever since. This tooth had a previous root canal done on it and I’m afraid the endodontist pushed a piece of the previous stuff into my jaw bone. I’m worried that I will have to have surgery and this is a sort of mouth surgery so it might not be covered with our health insurance so we’ll have to foot the entire bill ourselves. Either that or I will have to live with this ache the rest of my life.

Legacy of the Heart

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The Book:  Legacy of the Heart

Author:  Wayne Muller

This is a very good book for adults abused/neglected as children. Most books of this type are lavish in their descriptions of abuse, but solutions to that dilemma are hard to come by. This book contains ‘solution’ throughout the entire book. Although, it might only be helpful though for those who have progressed somewhat in their healing, I found it to be superb.

Warning: Although, as a therapist, this author has much experience counseling abuse victims, and has much to say about Buddhism and Zen, he is a Christian minister and also alludes to the teachings of Jesus Christ. However, he’s not on the Jesus band wagon.

Why I Have Anxiety Around Everyone I Meet

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I was laying in bed thinking. Why am I so anxious around everybody all the time? 100% of the time I am anxious around every person I come in contact with. Then something occurred to me as I was rubbing Joshy’s belly. Why don’t I feel love for my dogs? All they seem to me to be is – responsibility.

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A Hard Lesson to Learn – Let This Be a Warning

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The saga of house building continues

I learned a very heavy duty lesson the other day and I thought I’d tell you about it so that maybe some good will come of it. We had a huge scrub pine in our front yard and I wanted to save it but the yard turned out to be so tiny that the tree just didn’t fit so I decided it had to go. This is where it starts to get ‘bad’. I was THINKING and THINKING and THINKING about the tree a few nights ago and came up with a ‘bright idea’. I thought that if I had the excavator pull it out by the roots the roots would take electric and cable lines and water and sewer pipes with it. So I thought to myself “The best thing to do is to just cut it down and not pull it out.” So I TOLD the excavator that that is what I wanted him to do. I didn’t ASK him what HE thought would be the best way to handle the tree. I TOLD him. So he dutifully did what I asked. He cut the thing down. But then – low and behold – I found myself with a stump and a whole passel full of ROOTS dug in, all over my front yard. I should have asked him what he thought the best way to handle the problem would be and not just told him what I wanted. He knows about this stuff – not me. I could have asked him if he thought that pulling it up would take the wires and pipes with it. Yesterday I talked to a stump grinder who told me that 80% of the roots are only a foot down and that the wires and pipes are at least 2 ft with the sewer being 6 – 8 ft down and running along the middle of the street.

More – Dealing With My Angry Husband

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(go here to find out how this all began)

J came back with a thing I could try to get him to stop laying into me. He said I should say “You’re getting defensive”.  Oh well, it’s worth a shot and I’m ready for anything that might help. Maybe him coming up with it himself, he might be more open to this suggestion. I learned to make appointments with him about relationship issues and that works. Maybe doing this might work too. I can only hope.  (to be continued)

A Motto I Don’t Want to Live By Anymore

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(go here to see how it all began)

So I went back and talked to him some more and what came out was this. We are BOTH vying for control. Both of us. He said it’s because we’re both insecure. This got me thinking. I agree. But why do I feel so insecure? It’s not really about him because this could happen with any man I would be in a relationship with. I’d do the same thing. Struggle for control. Well I was astounded! Here’s the reason – the germ of the problem.

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Grow Up and Be a Man

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Today we’re going to the dentist to have a new mold made as they broke the first one. Then we’re going to Salem to drop off the first installment for the house we’re building.

The next time J starts yelling I’m going to QUIETLY say;

You’re having a temper tantrum like a little boy. Why don’t you grow up and be a man.

(go here to see it put to the test)

It’s All About ‘Competency’!! (or is it?)

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(go here to see how this all began)

J laid into me for touching the air button without asking him first. I didn’t respond to the issue ‘perfectly’ so he gave me a ration. I tried telling him he was having a temper tantrum like a little boy and should grow up but it fell on deaf ears. So I resorted to telling him that when I don’t do things perfectly he goes off on me. What do I do to get him to stop expecting me to be perfect? Maybe just shut up until he’s done? I don’t have a clue but it’s really hard to be laid into when I’m not perfect. I resist. It’s a PTSD trigger. Dad expected me to be perfect too or he beat the shit out of me. I don’t know what to do or how to handle this sort of thing.

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On Whether or Not to Have Children

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I watched a Ted Talk on why people should have children.
https://www.ted.com/talks/wajahat_ali_the_case_for_having_kids?utm_source=newsletter_daily&utm_campaign=daily&utm_medium=email&utm_content=button__2019-05-09

Well I disagree with this vehemently. And here’s why.

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Money Money Money

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Went to the dentist about my bridge in front that just broke (I got the bridge from breaking a front tooth falling from my bike a couple years ago). When it broke it took the tooth that was holding onto the bridge so now I have 2 broken teeth plus the small tooth on the other side holding the bridge that now needs a crown. It will cost $11,355 for 2 implants and 3 crowns. I’m going in on Wednesday to see how much a partial denture will cost and if the implants or partial denture are breakable. This time I’m going with the strongest one. I was going to get a single implant for my one broken tooth back then but it was going to cost $4500. But now that my bridge broke it’s going to cost way more than that. I wish I’d done the implant now.  I’m also in for a root canal on a back molar that’s infected and that’s going to cost $1600. We’re in the middle of building a house so we need these bills like a hole in the head.

On Being a Reject

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I watched LaFemme Nikita on TV tonight. It’s a totally weird show about the authorities not caring a twit about their ’employees’ lives, whether they live or die. Those in charge blatantly use people who were former prisoners and treat them as though they weren’t worth a nickel. I so related to that. It got to me and added umph to my feelings of worthlessness already.  As a child I felt like I wasn’t worth a nickel either. I feel totally worthless. Just like when I was growing up. I hope the ACA meeting will continue and not fold. I need ACA people. I want to call Anne but it’s 10 pm and she’s pretty old. I don’t want to be waking her up for such a stupid reason. I want to talk to someone about what happened today with Gordon and how I keep messing up and messing up with AA people. No matter how I try I keep messing up with them. I don’t belong in AA anymore. Continue reading

I Don’t Feel Safe in AA

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Jerry got me to go to the Saturday noon AA meeting. I shared that I didn’t feel safe in AA because my growth has been so slow – that I was just beginning to explore my ACA issues. I tried to be honest and Cheryl caught up on that but she didn’t approach me after the meeting. No one did. No one ever does no matter how I share. Whether I say things like I know it all, or I sound utterly incompetent, no one ever comes up to me after a meeting. After a while it starts to get to a person. All the rejection. I can’t face it and I can’t talk about it in a meeting. This is the one thing I can’t talk about – how I feel so rejected in AA. I ‘talked’ to Gordon after the meeting. I wanted to address him telling Jerry and me that he was afraid of his father. I thought I might be able to interest him in ACA (Adult Children of Alcholics and Dysfunctional Families), but the conversation went nowhere and he ‘politely’ stepped away from me. It was all very uncomfortable. I’m not going back to mixed AA meetings. If there’s going to be any AA in my life at all it will be with women only.

Meditation Motivation

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I got this from my therapist.

She suggested that I put a star on a calendar when I meditated. This got me thinking. I like stickers – all kinds of goofy stickers. I put bunches of them on cards that I give to people; birthday cards, get well cards, etc. In fact I have a notebook with probably 50 page protectors that I keep all my stickers in but it’s in storage right now after we moved.  So I thought “I’m going to get me a bunch of stickers from Amazon”. So I went to Amazon and lo and behold, I found a hundred choices of mass quantities of stickers in every conceivable category. So I bought a couple of bunches. I made a calendar on MS Word with large enough boxes and with huge type to put stickers on and tacked it to my wall – and I’m using it!! Boy! am I using it! So far I haven’t missed a day of meditation and it’s been several weeks. Some days I’ve forgotten during the day but I seem to be looking at that calendar just before I go to bed and see that the day will not get a sticker on it. There will be a ‘hole’ in the calendar – and that just won’t due. So I get my 30 minutes in before I go to sleep. And I have the most beautiful calendar – full of bright, colorful, goofy stickers on it. And I am bound and determined get a sticker on each and every day.

I meditate to solfeggio tones. Here’s one I really like.

 

Learning ‘Socialization’ Language

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(I ‘stole’ this from my sister)

I had a thought yesterday come up about socialization. It’s like a language that I didn’t learn when I was young. Young brains absorb naturally – but not adult brains. Learning is more tedious. It takes a lot longer (a couple of years) to feel comfortable and fluent in a foreign language. But it’s not impossible. It’s very helpful to have a teacher willing to understand and correct. A therapist could be that person. Taking situations to that teacher and getting corrections helps. My sister asked her husband (who knew the language fluently) for that when she was stumped. I can see me stumbling over myself in social situations with people I don’t know well and trust. It takes courage though to ask for correction. What I learned growing up is “What does it take to survive” and naturally I fall into that under stressful situations. I learned that to deal I have to react violently and loudly, out of control, impatient in the extreme. I think there are many, many ‘words’ of this kind of ‘survival language’ that I know by heart. It takes a lot of effort and consciousness to find a different way. Like saying; “It’s just an object” when I get upset that something is impeding me or has fallen down. I say to myself; “It’s just gravity” or “It’s not doing this on purpose”. These thoughts create almost instantaneous calm.

Nancy Napier

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I really needed to talk to someone but it’s midnight and I don’t want to disturb anyone at such a late hour.

I’ve been reading books by Nancy Napier. She works with self-hypnosis and she knows how to recover from child abuse like no one I’ve ever come in contact with before. I read Recreating Your Self and bought 3 more books by her.

One exercise she suggested was when you’re feeling something disturbing, make your ability to dissociate work for you. Give the disturbing feelings to the child within (who already owns them anyway) so that you can become calm enough to be able to support the child  with these out of control feelings.

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On being an ‘outsider’

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(from my journal)

I was reading “Recreating Your Self” (Nancy Napier) where it talked about (pg 211) children having roles around their parents needs and interaction with each other and I was struck with how I fit into the family. I didn’t have a role to play at all. I only took abuse and shut up about it trying to make myself (though not very successfully) invisible. I didn’t ‘help’ my parents at all. I was not a part of the family at all. I was, and always will be, an outsider. I have a memory that just came up about going with mom on one of her daily walks. It was night and we were passing by the Pendergast’s house. We could see into their front window and watched the family all gathered together for dinner. We were outsiders looking in. For some reason this stuck with me deeply because it demonstrated, in living color, how much of an outsider I really am. Right there, I was an outsider – looking in.

Finding meditation impossible

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So I meditated today for 30 minutes just so I could put a sticker on my calendar. I’ve had the hardest time knuckling down and mediating. No matter what I do, I just won’t do it for very long. Maybe a few days but then I always find some reason to not do it. It’s about my little girl inside. She’s the one who doesn’t want to meditate – because she thinks it’s boring.

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Rejection

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I’m coming face to face with rejection. This thing with rejection is bealing to the surface since my recent move to this small town. I went to a mixed AA meeting with J – one-more-time and one-more-time got the cold shoulder. No one ever comes up to me after a meeting. No one ever. This really gets to me – all this rejection. There’s a guy there that I’ve talked with several times name of Gordon. It seems like every time I try to talk to him I put my foot in my mouth. I was trying to feel him out about maybe him going to my ACA meeting but again, this didn’t go well and he sort of backed away from me. I think I’m just going to stop trying to approach him altogether. In fact, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m going to stop going to mixed meetings altogether too. Maybe just woman’s meetings and even that is sketchy.

It’s not like I need AA or AA people. I have absolutely no desire to drink and no one wants me as a sponsor. I’m not lonely. I don’t need people at all but it’s so weird how the whole world of people rejects me. But I do need people for another reason because I’m reaching out to you. It feels like my self-worth is all tied up in what others think about me and how much they value me. And no one values me – so in my mind it stands to reason that I have no value. And this is hard to take. In fact, no one has ever valued me except maybe J who has stood by me for over 30 years.

I was watching La Femme Niketa tonight and it left me feeling so void inside. The upper echelon treated their (formerly prisoners) agents as if their lives had no value at all. The agents could be killed and no one would bat an eye. I was going to watch another episode but had to turn it off. I just couldn’t watch it any more. Is my life not worth more than a nickel? I’m so messed up right now.

Maybe I’m here on this planet to see I have value even if no other human thinks so. Maybe that’s why all the rejection from birth on. So I could learn this lesson. But I’m sure that those in the heavenly realms want me. But none of my fellow humans do – except maybe you and J. And I feel that even both of you just put up with me.

So there it is.

Making God Bigger

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Went to church. While there I helped myself to a doughnut. I wish I could get off the junk. But something occurred during the sermon while the preacher was talking. He was giving a sermon about the first commandment of thou shalt have no other gods before me. I got a spirit twinge. And this is what it was.

When I want junk food I have to make God bigger than that stuff. It occurred to me that if I get on my knees maybe I can make him bigger than my crazy head. The junk gets to my mind and calms it with sweet carbs. God can calm my head too but I have to make him bigger than my crazy head and the only way I can think of to get that to happen is to get on my hands and knees and put my face to the ground. This so that I can get the feeling of how small and powerless I am, and appeal to him who I can then sense is way bigger than me. I know he will answer me – help me with my anxieties – if I do this. But am I going to be willing to? Well I’m sure going to give it a good honest try.

Abortion – if you agree please re-blog this

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All you who are fighting to ban abortion…

How many unwed mothers have you helped out?

How many unwanted babies have you adopted?

If it’s none, then QUIT YOUR BELLYACHING!!!

The Child Within Cries Out to Me

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I’ve been married to my husband for 31 years but never realized something that we’ve struggled with since we’ve been married. Sometimes my husband acts just like my father did with me – insane.

As a small child I was under the gun of a man who was insane most of the time. He would engage me in a third degree interrogation for the express purpose of having me fail so he could lay the hammer down on me. This happened on a regular basis. Then, at that time, I was only a kid and so was trapped in this situation with him. I could not escape his insane brutality.  I could not escape. Tonight it just occurred to me that I can escape now. Today I’m a 64 year old woman and I can get away from that insanity. Up to now I’ve felt I had no choice but to stave off his verbal bullying the best I could because I thought I couldn’t get away. I think – I hope – this new information will be the springboard to a new way of acting around my husband when he becomes insane.

We had an insane conversation about fencing today. We are building a house and after the excavation there is a lot of piled up sand that needs fencing around it. I’ve just heard the word ‘fence’ and didn’t think anything about it. A fence is a fence right? It’s only logical to call a fence a fence. But apparently that’s not totally accurate as my insane husband let me know. It turns out that this kind of fence is really just a plastic tarp stapled onto posts stuck in the ground. Somehow, according to my husband, I was supposed to know this, wasn’t I? I was supposed to ask if the ‘fence’ was a tarp. Is this insane? I think so. I tried to reason with him but he was all over me in anger about it. This is what I’m realizing tonight. That this is an impossible demand. And what do I do? I stay with it to the bitter end. Bitter end. Because I am in a PTSD haze yesterday land where I can not escape.

So, hopefully, I’ll remember this and say to him

You’re acting insane right now.
You’re making an impossible demand of me.
Stop the car. I want to get out.

And then I get out. Escape – at last.

Abortion – if you agree please re-blog this

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All you who are fighting to ban abortion…

How many unwed mothers have you helped out?

How many unwanted babies have you adopted?

If it’s none, then QUIT YOUR BELLYACHING!!!

Tuesday: 5 – 15 – 2018

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I 80 - Road Construction

U.S. Department of Transportation
1200 New Jersey Ave, SE
Washington, DC 20590

 

To whom it may concern,                                                 May 13,2018

 

I just heard on the news that I-80 is going to be ‘worked on’ around Keystone Ave to Robb Drive, Reno, Nevada and I just want to let you know that…

There’s nothing wrong with that piece of the interstate!

Nothing at all wrong with it.   NOTHING!!!!!!!!

Continue reading

Monday: 5 – 14 – 2018

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Friendship-1

Last Saturday, my friend gave me the business. She said she wanted us to go to San Diego on a trip. I said “Save your money”. But after hearing this she got very indignant with me. She was she was expecting me to pay for the whole trip myself because she is on disability and has hardly any money. I could hardly believe what she was saying to me but the thing is, I can’t come out and say; “No”. I’ve never been able to say that in my life (because of living with my father who was a malignant narcissist). But this was too much. I got very tongue tied and tried to wangle my way out of it by saying that, though she wasn’t trying to use me, I had a hard time even smelling the idea of being used. What a crock! I thought; “If I go for this, I’m going to get a resentment as big as a house”. I was determined not to do it. She tried to manipulate me through humiliation saying that street people would give the shirts off their backs to help someone else out. She said that she expected me to be ‘better’ after 38 years sober. I squeaked out a response saying; “Your expectations of me are too high”.

I was so extremely freaked out by the whole business that I completely lost my bearings. I lost my Costco card at the gas station; something I’ve never done before with any of my credit cards. My driving was scary and when I went to drop her off, I ran over the curb. She chocked it up to the bipolar disorder (I’m actually schizo-effective) and I didn’t disagree with her. I just couldn’t let the same conversation come up again.

So, when I got home, I wrote her this letter. Here it is:

Continue reading

Sunday: 5 – 13 – 2018

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To continue with the saga of painting. My oh my oh my.

I’ve given up trying to get the right color for our very dark hallway. I was trying to go for a golden yellow color with a hint of green but I kept shooting past the mark. First it was too green and dark, then too yellow. Now it’s too white. I’m mixing cans of paint together and I have about six tints to choose from along with a gallon of pure white.

I’m getting Jerry involved…… FINALLY!  I need help!!!!

So I’ve let go of the whole business and turned it over to him. So we put some paint on the walls and the same hew looked like three different colors in three different spots in the hallway. It’s just plain crazy!

I’m going crazy!!!!

Eventually I’m going to have to go to the last ditch resort. I’m going to pray to God to give me some insight about how to proceed. Imagine that, getting God involved. I know he knows the exact color we need. I just have to have faith that he will help.

Thursday: 5 – 10 – 2018

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georgesand1-2x

To begin in this series – click here

I really think this marriage can be salvaged from the wreck it has become now that both of us are working on it.

Yesterday Jerry and I had our couples therapy session and some interesting things came up that I think were helpful for us.

Continue reading

Sunday – 5 – 6 – 2018

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We’re painting.

What a fiasco.

So far I’ve wasted 4 gallons of very expensive paint and I’m still not getting the color I’m looking for. It’s so frustrating and discouraging. This painting should be left to the experts. I watch Chip and Joanna Gaines of the TV show Fixer Upper. She gets her colors right the very first time. I wonder how long it took her to get to be such a color connoisseur. It’s HARD to do this. How many of you feel the same way. So frustrating – and expensive! So far it’s cost about $200  with nothing to show for it.

Saturday: 5 – 5 – 2018

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ronaldreagan2-2x

To read about our new relationship – click here

Well I got a real surprise yesterday. Jerry and I were beginning to paint our kitchen when I walked away to do something. When I came back, Jerry was mixing and pouring paint on the cardboard in front of the wall we were going to paint.

Well, I had a hairy. If the paint was mixed and poured on the sight, there were bound to be paint drippings on the cardboard; we would step in these drippings then spread them all over the rest of our brand new kitchen floor.

I screamed at him;

What are you doing??!!

Stop doing that!!

You’re going to get paint all over the place!!!.

I SCREAMED at him! Here I’m telling him that he can’t scream at me anymore and I just did the same thing myself. Though I apologized to him profusely later on, it seems I have some work to do on myself too.

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