Category Archives: What I’m learning about relationships

The Child Within Cries Out to Me

21 Sunday Apr 2019

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I’ve been married to my husband for 31 years but never realized something that we’ve struggled with since we’ve been married. Sometimes my husband acts just like my father did with me – insane.

As a small child I was under the gun of a man who was insane most of the time. He would engage me in a third degree interrogation for the express purpose of having me fail so he could lay the hammer down on me. This happened on a regular basis. Then, at that time, I was only a kid and so was trapped in this situation with him. I could not escape his insane brutality.  I could not escape. Tonight it just occurred to me that I can escape now. Today I’m a 64 year old woman and I can get away from that insanity. Up to now I’ve felt I had no choice but to stave off his verbal bullying the best I could because I thought I couldn’t get away. I think – I hope – this new information will be the springboard to a new way of acting around my husband when he becomes insane.

We had an insane conversation about fencing today. We are building a house and after the excavation there is a lot of piled up sand that needs fencing around it. I’ve just heard the word ‘fence’ and didn’t think anything about it. A fence is a fence right? It’s only logical to call a fence a fence. But apparently that’s not totally accurate as my insane husband let me know. It turns out that this kind of fence is really just a plastic tarp stapled onto posts stuck in the ground. Somehow, according to my husband, I was supposed to know this, wasn’t I? I was supposed to ask if the ‘fence’ was a tarp. Is this insane? I think so. I tried to reason with him but he was all over me in anger about it. This is what I’m realizing tonight. That this is an impossible demand. And what do I do? I stay with it to the bitter end. Bitter end. Because I am in a PTSD haze yesterday land where I can not escape.

So, hopefully, I’ll remember this and say to him

You’re acting insane right now.
You’re making an impossible demand of me.
Stop the car. I want to get out.

And then I get out. Escape – at last.

Monday: 5 – 14 – 2018

15 Tuesday May 2018

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Friendship-1

Last Saturday, my friend gave me the business. She said she wanted us to go to San Diego on a trip. I said “Save your money”. But after hearing this she got very indignant with me. She was she was expecting me to pay for the whole trip myself because she is on disability and has hardly any money. I could hardly believe what she was saying to me but the thing is, I can’t come out and say; “No”. I’ve never been able to say that in my life (because of living with my father who was a malignant narcissist). But this was too much. I got very tongue tied and tried to wangle my way out of it by saying that, though she wasn’t trying to use me, I had a hard time even smelling the idea of being used. What a crock! I thought; “If I go for this, I’m going to get a resentment as big as a house”. I was determined not to do it. She tried to manipulate me through humiliation saying that street people would give the shirts off their backs to help someone else out. She said that she expected me to be ‘better’ after 38 years sober. I squeaked out a response saying; “Your expectations of me are too high”.

I was so extremely freaked out by the whole business that I completely lost my bearings. I lost my Costco card at the gas station; something I’ve never done before with any of my credit cards. My driving was scary and when I went to drop her off, I ran over the curb. She chocked it up to the bipolar disorder (I’m actually schizo-effective) and I didn’t disagree with her. I just couldn’t let the same conversation come up again.

So, when I got home, I wrote her this letter. Here it is:

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Thursday: 5 – 10 – 2018

10 Thursday May 2018

Posted by in Day to day life, What I'm learning about relationships

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georgesand1-2x

To begin in this series – click here

I really think this marriage can be salvaged from the wreck it has become now that both of us are working on it.

Yesterday Jerry and I had our couples therapy session and some interesting things came up that I think were helpful for us.

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Saturday: 5 – 5 – 2018

05 Saturday May 2018

Posted by in Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, What I'm learning about relationships, What I'm learning in Al Anon, What I'm learning in therapy

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ronaldreagan2-2x

To read about our new relationship – click here

Well I got a real surprise yesterday. Jerry and I were beginning to paint our kitchen when I walked away to do something. When I came back, Jerry was mixing and pouring paint on the cardboard in front of the wall we were going to paint.

Well, I had a hairy. If the paint was mixed and poured on the sight, there were bound to be paint drippings on the cardboard; we would step in these drippings then spread them all over the rest of our brand new kitchen floor.

I screamed at him;

What are you doing??!!

Stop doing that!!

You’re going to get paint all over the place!!!.

I SCREAMED at him! Here I’m telling him that he can’t scream at me anymore and I just did the same thing myself. Though I apologized to him profusely later on, it seems I have some work to do on myself too.

To continue in this series, click here

 

Monday – 4-30-2018

30 Monday Apr 2018

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  • How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours. - Wayne Dyer

Click here to read the beginning post for this series

I’m sure many people think that verbal abuse isn’t that bad. Those are the people who’ve never been a victim of it. If they’d experienced it, I’m sure they’d be singing a different tune. Being verbally abused feels like getting punched in the face.

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Thursday: 4 – 26 – 2018 – part 2

26 Thursday Apr 2018

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To read about the new way in our relationship , click here

So, in response to my request for shoulder moments. I asked Jerry what he would like from me. Here is what he wrote. We will be reading both our pages every day.

  1. Collaboration between both of us.
  2. Patience from her for Jerry’s physical health issues.
  3. Patience from him for Robin’s mental health issues.
  4. Explain each other’s prospective completely before rebuttal starts.
  5. Allow time for each one of us to respond to the issue at hand.
  6. No personal attacks from each other.
  7. Work towards compromise with each other in decision-making.
  8. Ask for forgiveness rather than being judgmental with each other.
    Keep it to the issue at hand and take responsibility for a mistake.
    (this item is still under discussion)
  9. Honor agreements with each other and re-visit agreements when one
    of us is unable to comply as agreed.
  10. We need to define actual needs from wants that pop up from time to time.
  11. If anyone is making noise between 11 pm and 7 am it is that person’s
    responsibility to go to a separate room and close the door.
  12. Take responsibility for our own actions.
  13. Having a basis of mutual respect in the marriage.

This is pretty complicated for me so I asked him to take the reins and let me know when I cross over a line.

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Thursday: 4 – 26 – 2018

26 Thursday Apr 2018

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To read the beginning of this new chapter in my life, click here

I had my EMDR session yesterday with my therapist Cynthia Pickett LCSW.

She said that the EMDR is bringing out my ‘natural’ self which lingered under all the PTSD haze. Before the EMDR, with all the PTSD history I have had, I’ve been mulled in the idea that I deserved no more than abusive behavior. Because of being abused all my life (hated by my father, unbelievably, from the moment of my birth) I have felt like a lower form of human and this self-evaluation led me to think that someone abusing me was ok. With the EMDR, I’m starting to see that being verbally abused is unacceptable. I’m a decent human being and don’t deserve this kind of an abusive relationship.

It feels natural and I seem to be ‘getting it’ down to my core self. I’m a good person and I deserve better than that. I’m even willing to leave my circumstances to be free of it. Something I was totally unwilling to do before this.

It’s fascinating what the EMDR is doing to me. It’s unlike any therapy I ever experienced. With all the talk therapy, nothing much changed in my life. But this EMDR is really shaking things up. FINALLY! I’m moving forward.

To continue in this series, click here

An e-mail from my sister

25 Wednesday Apr 2018

Posted by in Child Abuse Trauma, Marriage, mental illness, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, What I'm Learning About Life, What I'm learning about relationships, What I'm learning in Al Anon, What I'm learning in therapy

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To read about the beginning of this new chapter in my life, click here

On 4/24/2018 my sister Jacqueline wrote:

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Just a thought

22 Sunday Apr 2018

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I want to get this idea out there in the world.

Maybe it will spread around and people will think about it.

Why do people have babies when they prefer to work
rather than take care of them?

Children need a lot of love and care in order to grow up
to be healthy adults.

As a result, children are being forced to raise themselves.

I think there’s a lot of crime and suicide from children
who don’t have any parents to help them.

It’s so sad to see this happening to our dear children.

Tuesday – 4-17-18

17 Tuesday Apr 2018

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Please read this post about our ‘New Way’ relationship

Last night was verification that what I’m doing in our relationship is working.

I was watching American Idol on the bedroom TV and really liked what I was hearing so I wanted to record the show series. But I had to go to the living room since that was the only TV box that would accept a series recording. Then, while I was doing that, the recording part said that there was very little room left to record on. So I decided to delete a lot of shows to make room. Then I came upon “The Big Bang Theory” in which there was nine episodes I hadn’t watched yet. So I decided to watch them before deleting.

Meanwhile…

The TV in the bedroom was still on. I had completely forgotten this….

SCATTERBRAINED!

Jerry was in bed and around midnight came out to the living room to complain that the bedroom TV was still on loud enough to wake him up. He was ‘nice’ but looked a little frustrated with me. I don’t blame him. I hate my scatterbrain. It gets me in more how water….

But the next morning I went to him to find out how he felt about what happened. He said he understood that I was just being scatterbrained!!! And that he didn’t take it personally nor get mad about it.

WONDER OF WONDERS!

SOMETHING DIFFERENT IS DEFINITELY IN THE WORKS!!!

To continue in this series, please click here

Monday – 4-16-18

16 Monday Apr 2018

Posted by in Anything Else, Child Abuse Trauma, Marriage, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Spiritual Experiences, What I'm learning about relationships, What I'm learning in Al Anon

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See this post about our ‘New Way Relationship’

Jerry and I had another opportunity to practice our ‘new way’ relationship. He was fixing something on my computer when I bent down in front of him to put a reminder post-it on my post-it board. At first he got a little flustered but he refrained from screaming. Instead, he told me that he was just about to hit a function key but I got in the way and he missed his opportunity. I said I was sorry profusely . Then I said that this was an example of my being scatterbrained. He said; “Oh, is that what it looks like”.. Then I said; “This is a shoulder moment”. So he gently took hold of my shoulders and said would I please get out of the way so he could do his work. Immediately, this I did. He doesn’t yet understand how to do this so I have to be the one who takes charge. After all, it was me who started the whole thing so I see it as only fair that I take the lead until he ‘gets it’. I just have to keep encouraging him to do what I said I needed.

I think that this new way of communicating is going to save our marriage.

Please read the next post for continuity

Sunday – 4-15-18 – part 2

15 Sunday Apr 2018

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Read this post about our ‘New Way Relationship’

Well Jerry and I had our first ‘break in’ with the new communication technique. He needed a little push to try the new way and I gave him what he needed.

We were talking about the problems with my computer (it was being restored from getting into very bad shape). At first he got frustrated with me but still acted in the old way trying hard not to raise his voice this time. But this isn’t the thing I had requested of him. So I had to instigate the new way by saying; “Honey, you aren’t doing what I asked you to do. Can you please do it the new way?” He immediately got into it – doing the new way I’d asked him to! It went as smooth as butter!!! It’s a new and strange way (to us) to interact so he just needed a little push. I also needed a little courage to take the lead and follow through with what I’d asked. It’s new and strange and so was uncomfortable to instigate at first.

I had to tell him what I needed!!!

It was hard to do but I did it – twice! Once when I wrote it down for him and again when the situation called for it to actually be carried out.

Asking for what I need is soooo hard for me! I don’t think I’ve ever done this as well as I have up to this point. Part of the problem we’ve been having is that I’ve never stated my needs clearly enough to the point where I can get them met. I stated them with both feet firmly planted on the ground. I stood up for myself – TWICE!!!

As far as communication goes, this time it’s going to be my way or the highway.

Continue to the next post for continuity