17 Friday May 2019
Tags
Anxiety, blog, blogging, dogs, Family, Father, feelings, happiness, journal, making everyone happy, Nancy Napier, Parents, pets, relationships
I was laying in bed thinking. Why am I so anxious around everybody all the time? 100% of the time I am anxious around every person I come in contact with. Then something occurred to me as I was rubbing Joshy’s belly. Why don’t I feel love for my dogs? All they seem to me to be is – responsibility.
12 Sunday May 2019
Tags
blog, blogging, defensiveness, fights, hope, making appoinments with you husband, Marriage, marriage problems, relationship
(go here to find out how this all began)
J came back with a thing I could try to get him to stop laying into me. He said I should say “You’re getting defensive”. Oh well, it’s worth a shot and I’m ready for anything that might help. Maybe him coming up with it himself, he might be more open to this suggestion. I learned to make appointments with him about relationship issues and that works. Maybe doing this might work too. I can only hope. (to be continued)
11 Saturday May 2019
Tags
blog, blogging, control, family motto, I have to take care of myself, letting go of control, Marriage, marriage problems, mottos, relationship
(go here to see how it all began)
So I went back and talked to him some more and what came out was this. We are BOTH vying for control. Both of us. He said it’s because we’re both insecure. This got me thinking. I agree. But why do I feel so insecure? It’s not really about him because this could happen with any man I would be in a relationship with. I’d do the same thing. Struggle for control. Well I was astounded! Here’s the reason – the germ of the problem.
11 Saturday May 2019
Tags
blog, blogging, Husbands, Marriage, marriage problems, on not being perfect, parenting, PTSD triggers
Today we’re going to the dentist to have a new mold made as they broke the first one. Then we’re going to Salem to drop off the first installment for the house we’re building.
The next time J starts yelling I’m going to QUIETLY say;
You’re having a temper tantrum like a little boy. Why don’t you grow up and be a man.
11 Saturday May 2019
(go here to see how this all began)
J laid into me for touching the air button without asking him first. I didn’t respond to the issue ‘perfectly’ so he gave me a ration. I tried telling him he was having a temper tantrum like a little boy and should grow up but it fell on deaf ears. So I resorted to telling him that when I don’t do things perfectly he goes off on me. What do I do to get him to stop expecting me to be perfect? Maybe just shut up until he’s done? I don’t have a clue but it’s really hard to be laid into when I’m not perfect. I resist. It’s a PTSD trigger. Dad expected me to be perfect too or he beat the shit out of me. I don’t know what to do or how to handle this sort of thing.
10 Friday May 2019
Tags
adultry, birth control, child abuse, Children, daycare, divorce, having children, marriage problems, mental health services, reproduction, sex, ted talk, teen sex, teen suicide
I watched a Ted Talk on why people should have children.
https://www.ted.com/talks/wajahat_ali_the_case_for_having_kids?utm_source=newsletter_daily&utm_campaign=daily&utm_medium=email&utm_content=button__2019-05-09
Well I disagree with this vehemently. And here’s why.
05 Sunday May 2019
Tags
AA, ACA, adult children of alcoholics, Alcoholics Anonymous, feeling worthless, God, journal, La Femme Nikita, rejection, relationships, self-esteem, spirituality, TV show, unwanted children
I watched LaFemme Nikita on TV tonight. It’s a totally weird show about the authorities not caring a twit about their ’employees’ lives, whether they live or die. Those in charge blatantly use people who were former prisoners and treat them as though they weren’t worth a nickel. I so related to that. It got to me and added umph to my feelings of worthlessness already. As a child I felt like I wasn’t worth a nickel either. I feel totally worthless. Just like when I was growing up. I hope the ACA meeting will continue and not fold. I need ACA people. I want to call Anne but it’s 10 pm and she’s pretty old. I don’t want to be waking her up for such a stupid reason. I want to talk to someone about what happened today with Gordon and how I keep messing up and messing up with AA people. No matter how I try I keep messing up with them. I don’t belong in AA anymore. Continue reading
05 Sunday May 2019
Tags
AA, AA meetings, ACA, adult children of alcoholics, Alcoholics, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, conversation, fear, relationships
Jerry got me to go to the Saturday noon AA meeting. I shared that I didn’t feel safe in AA because my growth has been so slow – that I was just beginning to explore my ACA issues. I tried to be honest and Cheryl caught up on that but she didn’t approach me after the meeting. No one did. No one ever does no matter how I share. Whether I say things like I know it all, or I sound utterly incompetent, no one ever comes up to me after a meeting. After a while it starts to get to a person. All the rejection. I can’t face it and I can’t talk about it in a meeting. This is the one thing I can’t talk about – how I feel so rejected in AA. I ‘talked’ to Gordon after the meeting. I wanted to address him telling Jerry and me that he was afraid of his father. I thought I might be able to interest him in ACA (Adult Children of Alcholics and Dysfunctional Families), but the conversation went nowhere and he ‘politely’ stepped away from me. It was all very uncomfortable. I’m not going back to mixed AA meetings. If there’s going to be any AA in my life at all it will be with women only.
04 Saturday May 2019
Tags
child brains, courage, foreign language, gravity, impatience, language, learning a foreign language, learning a new language, older brains, social situations, socialization, stress, stressful situations, young brains
(I ‘stole’ this from my sister)
I had a thought yesterday come up about socialization. It’s like a language that I didn’t learn when I was young. Young brains absorb naturally – but not adult brains. Learning is more tedious. It takes a lot longer (a couple of years) to feel comfortable and fluent in a foreign language. But it’s not impossible. It’s very helpful to have a teacher willing to understand and correct. A therapist could be that person. Taking situations to that teacher and getting corrections helps. My sister asked her husband (who knew the language fluently) for that when she was stumped. I can see me stumbling over myself in social situations with people I don’t know well and trust. It takes courage though to ask for correction. What I learned growing up is “What does it take to survive” and naturally I fall into that under stressful situations. I learned that to deal I have to react violently and loudly, out of control, impatient in the extreme. I think there are many, many ‘words’ of this kind of ‘survival language’ that I know by heart. It takes a lot of effort and consciousness to find a different way. Like saying; “It’s just an object” when I get upset that something is impeding me or has fallen down. I say to myself; “It’s just gravity” or “It’s not doing this on purpose”. These thoughts create almost instantaneous calm.
01 Wednesday May 2019
Tags
ACA, blog, communicate by the unconscious, complex ptsd, Family, Father, Holy Spirit, mental illness, Nancy Napier, orb, recreating Your Self, relationships, unconscious symbolism
I really needed to talk to someone but it’s midnight and I don’t want to disturb anyone at such a late hour.
I’ve been reading books by Nancy Napier. She works with self-hypnosis and she knows how to recover from child abuse like no one I’ve ever come in contact with before. I read Recreating Your Self and bought 3 more books by her.
One exercise she suggested was when you’re feeling something disturbing, make your ability to dissociate work for you. Give the disturbing feelings to the child within (who already owns them anyway) so that you can become calm enough to be able to support the child with these out of control feelings.
28 Sunday Apr 2019
Tags
being an outsider, book, Family, family roles, lost child role, Nancy Napier, recreating Your Self
(from my journal)
I was reading “Recreating Your Self” (Nancy Napier) where it talked about (pg 211) children having roles around their parents needs and interaction with each other and I was struck with how I fit into the family. I didn’t have a role to play at all. I only took abuse and shut up about it trying to make myself (though not very successfully) invisible. I didn’t ‘help’ my parents at all. I was not a part of the family at all. I was, and always will be, an outsider. I have a memory that just came up about going with mom on one of her daily walks. It was night and we were passing by the Pendergast’s house. We could see into their front window and watched the family all gathered together for dinner. We were outsiders looking in. For some reason this stuck with me deeply because it demonstrated, in living color, how much of an outsider I really am. Right there, I was an outsider – looking in.
28 Sunday Apr 2019
Tags
amygdala, corpus colosum, dissociation, dissociatve disorder, fighting, inner child work, logic, meditating, meditation, relationship, silly stickers, solfeggio, solfeggio tones, stickers
So I meditated today for 30 minutes just so I could put a sticker on my calendar. I’ve had the hardest time knuckling down and mediating. No matter what I do, I just won’t do it for very long. Maybe a few days but then I always find some reason to not do it. It’s about my little girl inside. She’s the one who doesn’t want to meditate – because she thinks it’s boring.
28 Sunday Apr 2019
Tags
AA, ACA, alcoholism, child abuse, death, having value, la femme niketa, post traumatic stress disorder, PTSD, rejection, relationship, relationships, the heavens, TV show
I’m coming face to face with rejection. This thing with rejection is bealing to the surface since my recent move to this small town. I went to a mixed AA meeting with J – one-more-time and one-more-time got the cold shoulder. No one ever comes up to me after a meeting. No one ever. This really gets to me – all this rejection. There’s a guy there that I’ve talked with several times name of Gordon. It seems like every time I try to talk to him I put my foot in my mouth. I was trying to feel him out about maybe him going to my ACA meeting but again, this didn’t go well and he sort of backed away from me. I think I’m just going to stop trying to approach him altogether. In fact, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m going to stop going to mixed meetings altogether too. Maybe just woman’s meetings and even that is sketchy.
It’s not like I need AA or AA people. I have absolutely no desire to drink and no one wants me as a sponsor. I’m not lonely. I don’t need people at all but it’s so weird how the whole world of people rejects me. But I do need people for another reason because I’m reaching out to you. It feels like my self-worth is all tied up in what others think about me and how much they value me. And no one values me – so in my mind it stands to reason that I have no value. And this is hard to take. In fact, no one has ever valued me except maybe J who has stood by me for over 30 years.
I was watching La Femme Niketa tonight and it left me feeling so void inside. The upper echelon treated their (formerly prisoners) agents as if their lives had no value at all. The agents could be killed and no one would bat an eye. I was going to watch another episode but had to turn it off. I just couldn’t watch it any more. Is my life not worth more than a nickel? I’m so messed up right now.
Maybe I’m here on this planet to see I have value even if no other human thinks so. Maybe that’s why all the rejection from birth on. So I could learn this lesson. But I’m sure that those in the heavenly realms want me. But none of my fellow humans do – except maybe you and J. And I feel that even both of you just put up with me.
So there it is.
21 Sunday Apr 2019
Tags
abuse, child abuse, child within, Children, Family, impossible demands, insanity, interrogation, Marriage, no other gods, relationships, verbal abuse
I’ve been married to my husband for 31 years but never realized something that we’ve struggled with since we’ve been married. Sometimes my husband acts just like my father did with me – insane.
As a small child I was under the gun of a man who was insane most of the time. He would engage me in a third degree interrogation for the express purpose of having me fail so he could lay the hammer down on me. This happened on a regular basis. Then, at that time, I was only a kid and so was trapped in this situation with him. I could not escape his insane brutality. I could not escape. Tonight it just occurred to me that I can escape now. Today I’m a 64 year old woman and I can get away from that insanity. Up to now I’ve felt I had no choice but to stave off his verbal bullying the best I could because I thought I couldn’t get away. I think – I hope – this new information will be the springboard to a new way of acting around my husband when he becomes insane.
We had an insane conversation about fencing today. We are building a house and after the excavation there is a lot of piled up sand that needs fencing around it. I’ve just heard the word ‘fence’ and didn’t think anything about it. A fence is a fence right? It’s only logical to call a fence a fence. But apparently that’s not totally accurate as my insane husband let me know. It turns out that this kind of fence is really just a plastic tarp stapled onto posts stuck in the ground. Somehow, according to my husband, I was supposed to know this, wasn’t I? I was supposed to ask if the ‘fence’ was a tarp. Is this insane? I think so. I tried to reason with him but he was all over me in anger about it. This is what I’m realizing tonight. That this is an impossible demand. And what do I do? I stay with it to the bitter end. Bitter end. Because I am in a PTSD haze yesterday land where I can not escape.
So, hopefully, I’ll remember this and say to him
You’re acting insane right now.
You’re making an impossible demand of me.
Stop the car. I want to get out.
And then I get out. Escape – at last.
15 Tuesday May 2018
Tags
being used, craziness, friendship, letters, manipulation, money, resentment, San Diego, saying No, step 4, street people, trips
Last Saturday, my friend gave me the business. She said she wanted us to go to San Diego on a trip. I said “Save your money”. But after hearing this she got very indignant with me. She was she was expecting me to pay for the whole trip myself because she is on disability and has hardly any money. I could hardly believe what she was saying to me but the thing is, I can’t come out and say; “No”. I’ve never been able to say that in my life (because of living with my father who was a malignant narcissist). But this was too much. I got very tongue tied and tried to wangle my way out of it by saying that, though she wasn’t trying to use me, I had a hard time even smelling the idea of being used. What a crock! I thought; “If I go for this, I’m going to get a resentment as big as a house”. I was determined not to do it. She tried to manipulate me through humiliation saying that street people would give the shirts off their backs to help someone else out. She said that she expected me to be ‘better’ after 38 years sober. I squeaked out a response saying; “Your expectations of me are too high”.
I was so extremely freaked out by the whole business that I completely lost my bearings. I lost my Costco card at the gas station; something I’ve never done before with any of my credit cards. My driving was scary and when I went to drop her off, I ran over the curb. She chocked it up to the bipolar disorder (I’m actually schizo-effective) and I didn’t disagree with her. I just couldn’t let the same conversation come up again.
So, when I got home, I wrote her this letter. Here it is:
10 Thursday May 2018
Tags
budgets, couples therapy, low self esteem, marital conflict, Marriage, relationship, relationships, vacations and fun, verbal abuse, verbal violence
To begin in this series – click here
I really think this marriage can be salvaged from the wreck it has become now that both of us are working on it.
Yesterday Jerry and I had our couples therapy session and some interesting things came up that I think were helpful for us.
05 Saturday May 2018
Tags
couples, marital conflict, Marriage, painting, relationship, relationships, screaming, self discovery
To read about our new relationship – click here
Well I got a real surprise yesterday. Jerry and I were beginning to paint our kitchen when I walked away to do something. When I came back, Jerry was mixing and pouring paint on the cardboard in front of the wall we were going to paint.
Well, I had a hairy. If the paint was mixed and poured on the sight, there were bound to be paint drippings on the cardboard; we would step in these drippings then spread them all over the rest of our brand new kitchen floor.
I screamed at him;
What are you doing??!!
Stop doing that!!
You’re going to get paint all over the place!!!.
I SCREAMED at him! Here I’m telling him that he can’t scream at me anymore and I just did the same thing myself. Though I apologized to him profusely later on, it seems I have some work to do on myself too.
To continue in this series, click here
30 Monday Apr 2018
Tags
complex post-traumatic stress disorder, EMDR, fighting, husband & wife, Intimate relationship, marital conflict, Marriage, marriage problems, post traumatic stress disorder, PTSD, relationships, therapy, verbal abuse
Click here to read the beginning post for this series
I’m sure many people think that verbal abuse isn’t that bad. Those are the people who’ve never been a victim of it. If they’d experienced it, I’m sure they’d be singing a different tune. Being verbally abused feels like getting punched in the face.
26 Thursday Apr 2018
Tags
boundaries, EMDR, Marriage, marriage problems, PTSD, relationships, therapy
To read about the new way in our relationship , click here
So, in response to my request for shoulder moments. I asked Jerry what he would like from me. Here is what he wrote. We will be reading both our pages every day.
This is pretty complicated for me so I asked him to take the reins and let me know when I cross over a line.
26 Thursday Apr 2018
Tags
abuse, EMDR, EMDR therapy, freedom, LCSW, Licenced Social Worker, Marriage, relationships, spouse abuse, therapy, verbal abuse
To read the beginning of this new chapter in my life, click here
I had my EMDR session yesterday with my therapist Cynthia Pickett LCSW.
She said that the EMDR is bringing out my ‘natural’ self which lingered under all the PTSD haze. Before the EMDR, with all the PTSD history I have had, I’ve been mulled in the idea that I deserved no more than abusive behavior. Because of being abused all my life (hated by my father, unbelievably, from the moment of my birth) I have felt like a lower form of human and this self-evaluation led me to think that someone abusing me was ok. With the EMDR, I’m starting to see that being verbally abused is unacceptable. I’m a decent human being and don’t deserve this kind of an abusive relationship.
It feels natural and I seem to be ‘getting it’ down to my core self. I’m a good person and I deserve better than that. I’m even willing to leave my circumstances to be free of it. Something I was totally unwilling to do before this.
It’s fascinating what the EMDR is doing to me. It’s unlike any therapy I ever experienced. With all the talk therapy, nothing much changed in my life. But this EMDR is really shaking things up. FINALLY! I’m moving forward.
25 Wednesday Apr 2018
Tags
couples, dissociatve disorder, EMDR, Family, fighting, husband & wife, Marriage, marriage problems, mental illness, post traumatic stress disorder, PTSD, relationships
To read about the beginning of this new chapter in my life, click here
On 4/24/2018 my sister Jacqueline wrote:
22 Sunday Apr 2018
Tags
an idea, babies, child, Children, conception, Family, getting the word out, Marriage, procreation, taking care of a child, taking care of children, thinking, working
I want to get this idea out there in the world.
Maybe it will spread around and people will think about it.
Why do people have babies when they prefer to work
rather than take care of them?Children need a lot of love and care in order to grow up
to be healthy adults.As a result, children are being forced to raise themselves.
I think there’s a lot of crime and suicide from children
who don’t have any parents to help them.It’s so sad to see this happening to our dear children.
17 Tuesday Apr 2018
Tags
Anger, Big Bang Theory, communication, communication technique, frustration, home, inspiration, Marriage, relationships, scatterbrain, scatterbrained, TV
Please read this post about our ‘New Way’ relationship
Last night was verification that what I’m doing in our relationship is working.
I was watching American Idol on the bedroom TV and really liked what I was hearing so I wanted to record the show series. But I had to go to the living room since that was the only TV box that would accept a series recording. Then, while I was doing that, the recording part said that there was very little room left to record on. So I decided to delete a lot of shows to make room. Then I came upon “The Big Bang Theory” in which there was nine episodes I hadn’t watched yet. So I decided to watch them before deleting.
Meanwhile…
The TV in the bedroom was still on. I had completely forgotten this….
SCATTERBRAINED!
Jerry was in bed and around midnight came out to the living room to complain that the bedroom TV was still on loud enough to wake him up. He was ‘nice’ but looked a little frustrated with me. I don’t blame him. I hate my scatterbrain. It gets me in more how water….
But the next morning I went to him to find out how he felt about what happened. He said he understood that I was just being scatterbrained!!! And that he didn’t take it personally nor get mad about it.
WONDER OF WONDERS!
SOMETHING DIFFERENT IS DEFINITELY IN THE WORKS!!!
16 Monday Apr 2018
Tags
communication, fighting, fights, intimacy, Intimate relationship, Marriage, opportunity, relationship, relationships, taking charge
See this post about our ‘New Way Relationship’
Jerry and I had another opportunity to practice our ‘new way’ relationship. He was fixing something on my computer when I bent down in front of him to put a reminder post-it on my post-it board. At first he got a little flustered but he refrained from screaming. Instead, he told me that he was just about to hit a function key but I got in the way and he missed his opportunity. I said I was sorry profusely . Then I said that this was an example of my being scatterbrained. He said; “Oh, is that what it looks like”.. Then I said; “This is a shoulder moment”. So he gently took hold of my shoulders and said would I please get out of the way so he could do his work. Immediately, this I did. He doesn’t yet understand how to do this so I have to be the one who takes charge. After all, it was me who started the whole thing so I see it as only fair that I take the lead until he ‘gets it’. I just have to keep encouraging him to do what I said I needed.
I think that this new way of communicating is going to save our marriage.
15 Sunday Apr 2018
Tags
asking for what I need, asking for what I want, asking for what you need, asking for what you want, communication, communication technique, fighting, follow through on a request, Marriage, relationship, stating what you want
Read this post about our ‘New Way Relationship’
Well Jerry and I had our first ‘break in’ with the new communication technique. He needed a little push to try the new way and I gave him what he needed.
We were talking about the problems with my computer (it was being restored from getting into very bad shape). At first he got frustrated with me but still acted in the old way trying hard not to raise his voice this time. But this isn’t the thing I had requested of him. So I had to instigate the new way by saying; “Honey, you aren’t doing what I asked you to do. Can you please do it the new way?” He immediately got into it – doing the new way I’d asked him to! It went as smooth as butter!!! It’s a new and strange way (to us) to interact so he just needed a little push. I also needed a little courage to take the lead and follow through with what I’d asked. It’s new and strange and so was uncomfortable to instigate at first.
I had to tell him what I needed!!!
It was hard to do but I did it – twice! Once when I wrote it down for him and again when the situation called for it to actually be carried out.
Asking for what I need is soooo hard for me! I don’t think I’ve ever done this as well as I have up to this point. Part of the problem we’ve been having is that I’ve never stated my needs clearly enough to the point where I can get them met. I stated them with both feet firmly planted on the ground. I stood up for myself – TWICE!!!
As far as communication goes, this time it’s going to be my way or the highway.
A Blog for the Critical Consumer of Psychotherapy
Love is the answer - now what's your question?
Jean M. Cogdell, Author-Writing something worth reading, one word at a time in easy to swallow bite size portions.
Funny story and essay about Bangkok, Thailand and around Asia.
be the magic
it always knows
fresh hell trumps stale heaven
I'm Michelle. This is my blog. I write about women and fatness, expound upon semi-coherent thoughts I have in the middle of the night, and offer tough love to those in whom I am disappointed; they are legion.
A crazy quilt of poems, stories, and humor
Jean-Luc Picard.
Hope isn't an emotion, but a daily choice. Choose hope.
It's about the journey not the destination
my healing journey
Typing what comes to my head...
A personal perspective
Learning to live my life with anxiety, depression, and self-harm (and other things).
Growing towards God as an Introvert
Backpacking and Bipolar II. Taking Manic Depression on tour.
Jesus follower, peacemaker, unfinished human
Healing from Childhood Trauma
Searching for a God who's playing hard to get.
if I were to blog my life, it'd go like this...
"...that where I am you may be also." Jn.14:3
In Your light we see light...
a life redeemed from the pit
Concerning the lives of sensitives, narcissists, artists, ADDers, survivors of narcissism and abuse.
