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So I’m doing my darnedest to do a breathing meditation. It’s been 3 weeks so far. I know this because I have a calendar that I’m putting stickers on to mark the days I do it. So far I haven’t missed a single day. I haven’t missed because I don’t want any days on the calendar that don’t have a sticker on them. Tonight I managed to do it at 8:30 pm. I do it for half an hour in my computer chair with an MS Word document up that I can quickly jot down things I need to remember so I don’t have to hold them in my brain. It’s so difficult trying to do this meditation. Up til now my attempts have met with a 100% failure rate. But with the stickers as motivation, it’s finally coming together.

And I’m finding out why I haven’t been able to meditate.

I have a brain the size of a mac truck with the force of a tornado. It’s a force to be reckoned with. I feel like I’m up against Godzilla trying to corral my brain. It’s a thinking dynamo and it does not want to be slowed down in it’s quest to the goal line. I’m not totally sure what that ‘goal line’ is but I have a suspicion that it is about problem solving. I need to have life ‘solved’. I am on a quest for the answer to life’s ultimate riddle.

Why am I here?

My father had a brain as well and I think he was on the same track I am on. WHY!!??? The big why. Why am I here? What am I supposed to do while I’m here? What is life in these earthly bodies, in this veil of tears, all for? Is the prize going to be worth the struggle? It’s a puzzle that I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to solve which is making slowing down my brain almost impossible. I’m like a computer stuck with a riddle it’s trying desperately to solve but that there is no answer to. It churns away to solve it, but the solution is eternally out of reach.

And I don’t know how to shut the computer down. I can’t unplug it. That will kill it – me. But I don’t know any other way to shut it down. Turn it off. Rest it. I supposed the meditation is supposed to do that for it. Give it a break from the quest, but it’s not going for that. It just won’t be slowed down. I can see that it’s going to crazy-land, with me in tow.

So this is what I’ve gotten from the meditation

so far.

And I’m just going to keep on doing it. I’m going for the stickers but eventually it might lead me to the answer I’ve been looking for. I can hope anyway.