i dumped the coffee grounds this morning… all over everything.
i was trying to be so careful to take the coffee grounds container out of the coffee maker.
It flipped over.
It didn’t just flip over – it flipped over backwards.
Into everything on the counter that it could possibly flip into.
Wet coffee grounds… in every appliance – in the kitchen basket where i keep my rubber bands and pot holders.
i got so mad.
i feel really… picked on.
i know there are people in this world who have it a lot worse than me but
i don’t talk to hardly anybody
so i don’t see those people who have it worse than me.
And all the people i do know… none of them have it worse than me.
Even Jackie – my twin sister – has it better then me.
And just… the coffee grounds…. just seem like… being picked on.
i want to say: “Why God?”
i want to be really mad at God.
i feel really mad at Him.
As a child, i raised myself.
This little kid… it’s just not right to be a little kid,
and raise yourself.
Because you don’t know the right ways to think.
When you’re a kid, you just don’t know how to think… right
and how to handle yourself… in life and
you’re trying to raise yourself.
Of course you grow up kind of screwy trying to think your way into the right living.
When you just don’t have the right equipment upstairs to keep you on the straight path.
Cause little kids don’t think well.
They still think like little kids.
Like taking responsibility for everything.
Having skewed takes on everything.
Like feeling totally inadequate. Kids feel totally inadequate… because they are inadequate.
They’re little kids.
So you think you’re inadequate – and you don’t have anybody to say you’re all right even if you don’t do things all right.
So you just grow up to think you’re inadequate.
Like thinking you’re insignificant. Little kids are small and insignificant.
But there’s nobody around to tell you you’re valuable so you just keep thinking you’re nothing.
And God – He’s done a whole lot for me… and He’s grown me up a lot.
But it just isn’t enough.
i don’t know what i need… so that i’m enough.
Pop’s. Give me what i need… tell me what i need… to be enough… in this world.
i feel like i’m bottom man on this totem-pole in the world.
i try to have courage, in all these hard times… dealing with life.
i try to have courage, and stay positive.. and see the storms as positive steps up.
But underneath the booze and everything
i feel beaten down
it’s so hard
it’s so hard for me
i know i can’t die – i do know that.
i just feel… really… picked on.
I’ve been picked on all my life. And i still feel picked on.
i just feel… picked on.
i know God loves me. i know He loves me.
But i don’t know why He lets me be so… picked on.
i just wish i knew why.
I’m not really mad… i’m just sad… just bewildered.
Why i have to be so… picked on.
i wish i knew if you had it bad – although I’ll never ask you.
i just wish i knew if other people had it bad like i do.
i don’t think it would be so hard if i knew other people had it hard too.
i asked Jerry this morning – he knows me – i said:
“Do you think you have it as hard as i do?”
He said: “No”
i said: “Including all your physical illness?” which is a lot:
“Do you think you have it as hard as me?”
He said: “No”
i hope it’s like in heaven that you come down to earth – you volunteer for things.
i hope it’s like that – that i volunteered for this willingly – and that it wasn’t just forced on me like to be in this situation that I’m in.
That i actually had a reason for being in this situation the way it is for me.
And that the powers that be just didn’t decide that this is what i deserved.
Because… what does that say about me?
What does that say about me?
Not a whole lot – huh?
Really, when it comes down to it, He can say He loves me but… actions, you know?
What does that say about me – really – in the long run?
i’m so tired of this.
And the booze – it covers up all of this.
And it was all about the coffee grounds.
The coffee grounds – that spilled over backwards – onto the counter.
I’m going through a big storm right now.
It’s just a storm.
It will pass.
Part of me knows that.
These things always pass.
And there’s pain.
And all these God-Damned addictions… !
And the booze addiction.
That I’m going through now.
One more addiction… that i have to deal with.
Hard addictions.. to deal with.. addictions.
There’s so much pain.. getting through an addiction.
Always one more… to deal with.
As if life weren’t hard enough.
Add another addiction to the pile.
You can look at it two ways:
“Keep a stiff upper lip” as my mother used to say
“Feel your feelings.”
And i think it’s important to feel my feelings
my little girl feelings.
my mary jane feelings… my little one feelings.
It’s important to give them expression… let them have their feelings.
They drive addictions.
i can’t just push them down – say: “i don’t want you”
They’re still part of me.
They can have a voice.
They feel… picked on.
They feel like.. nobody wants them.. nobody likes them… they feel like..
The world treats them like trash.
Heaven seems to be treating them like trash.
God does things to show us he loves us but then he turns around and does things that seems like he treats us like trash!
i have no faith this morning… none.
i just feel like: “Why do you keep putting me in the Sheep Dip!?”
“You must hate me!”
Sheep Dip!… Sheep Dip!
I’m so tired of Sheep Dip.
Every time i turn around I’m getting dipped!
i really must be full-a- crap!
Read in this morning’s paper: An article about relationships
The absence of the proper support creates hurt that is a blow to our sense of significance.
That’s what i feel… insignificant… little value.
Read in this morning’s paper: A book review
A memoir of a family’s experience during the Holocaust …
Oh well; i guess i better clean up these coffee grounds.