So I went back and talked to him some more and what came out was this. We are BOTH vying for control. Both of us. He said it’s because we’re both insecure. This got me thinking. I agree. But why do I feel so insecure? It’s not really about him because this could happen with any man I would be in a relationship with. I’d do the same thing. Struggle for control. Well I was astounded! Here’s the reason – the germ of the problem.
No one’s going to take care of me so I have to take care of myself!
With this motto I couldn’t ever possibly consider asking anyone for help, and here it was with the dashboard button. I couldn’t ask for help with it. This is the motto I’ve been living by that gets me into more trouble then I can ever say. But there was no one in my young life that was taking care of me so I can understand how I’d picked up this idea. But now that I’ve discovered it, am I willing to try to let it go?
The first step is awareness right? And this episode brought my awareness to a blistering head.
My family had a motto:
Life is hard and then you die.
This brought me to the edge of suicide many times. The negativity behind that motto is beyond insane. But I’ve been successful at letting that motto go so why can’t I be successful with overcoming the thinking that I only have myself to depend on?
I hope I can remember this when I’m in the car and he’s is at the wheel. It would be great practice to just ‘let him be’. I know it’s going to be hard but I’m definitely willing to practice ‘letting go’ until I have this success – and freedom from my horrible motto.