I really needed to talk to someone but it’s midnight and I don’t want to disturb anyone at such a late hour.
I’ve been reading books by Nancy Napier. She works with self-hypnosis and she knows how to recover from child abuse like no one I’ve ever come in contact with before. I read Recreating Your Self and bought 3 more books by her.
One exercise she suggested was when you’re feeling something disturbing, make your ability to dissociate work for you. Give the disturbing feelings to the child within (who already owns them anyway) so that you can become calm enough to be able to support the child with these out of control feelings.
She talks about the unconscious a lot and how it communicates in symbols so she suggests trying this symbol in order to communicate with it and have it communicate back to your conscious mind.
Her suggested exercise is to create, out of your inner landscape, a garden all your own where it is totally safe to be exactly who you are at each moment. Create a part of the garden that is beautiful and well tended. This part is purely for enjoyment, flowers or greenery or vegetables, however you wish. This is the space you have for life that you are currently able to control. Make a space in the garden just for solitude and spirituality. Make part of the garden untended, maybe parched or swollen with water that hasn’t been allowed to go any place. Fill this part of the garden with bare ground to be turned over by hard work or with weeds that must be pulled out in order to turn it into a beautiful place like the rest of the garden. This part of the garden are the things that are still out of control inside.
Tonight I needed to do, and did, both of these exercises – and they helped. The first one calmed me down and the second one helped me discover what the out of control feelings were and the source of these highly disturbing feelings. The idea that the unconscious communicates in symbols was really driven home when I got into it.
Tonight’s ACA meeting had a monopolizer in it and boy was she gung ho. Strong energetic personality to say the least. She took over the meeting and made it all about her. She interrupted the other’s trying to share and talked about 6 or 8 times giving no one else time to organize their thoughts. She played ‘can you top this’. She almost destroyed the meeting and I wondered if the others would even come back to it again.
So I gave my out of control feelings (they were just wild and I couldn’t name them at that point) to my little girl. This calmed me down just enough to be able to comfort her a bit.
When I did the garden exercise at first I was laying down on a slate walkway watching clouds roll by. Then I tried to hoe some of the unkempt part of the garden but I was just too distracted to do it so I gave up and went to my spiritual space. In the space was a swinging chair (for ‘comfort’) and a pedestal with a rosy globe on it. The globe was radiating warmth over the space. Then the air started getting colder and colder around me and I tried to warm myself by the globe but it couldn’t make me warm enough to where I was comfortable again. It just wasn’t hot enough to warm me the way I needed to get warm. I got colder and colder. So I invented a house to get warm inside, but the house was so small I couldn’t move around inside it. It got smaller and smaller to where I just had to get out. I just couldn’t find any place to get warm so I stayed cold.
Then I tried to see what all the symbols were about and this is what I got.
I’m cold with RAGE!!! Over how that girl took over our meeting. Then that reminded me of how much dad took over HIS HOUSE!!! There was no space left to even move around in. And the house was always cold in the winter time because dad wouldn’t allow us to heat it. The oil was too expensive. We ‘heated’ the house by fireplace heatalators but they didn’t hardly ever make it warm enough to get out of the cold.
The orb was the Holy Spirit who wasn’t strong enough to overcome the ice cold rage.
So I was able to get in touch with my feeling and also where it came from in my childhood.
I feel a little bit better now. I’ve sort of come back down to earth again. And writing about it all to you has helped a great deal. Maybe it’s other humans who can provide enough warmth to actually warm the cold out of me.