I really think this marriage can be salvaged from the wreck it has become now that both of us are working on it.
Yesterday Jerry and I had our couples therapy session and some interesting things came up that I think were helpful for us.
The first thing was about accepting compliments. I said that I was beginning to fall back in love with Jerry now that he’s quit yelling at me all the time. But when I said this, he completely walked over it by saying that he felt badly about being sick and so not being able to take care of ‘man chores’ around the house. The therapist caught this and brought it to his attention after which he said he agreed with her assessment. He felt sure I was disgusted with him for this when what was going on was that he was feeling disgusted with himself. The thing is, he was basically punishing me for thinking I felt the same way he felt about himself when I was feeling just the opposite. In other words, his thoughts overrode my thoughts. This is like him. He believes his thoughts are the only ones that count for anything. I believe though that this therapist can call him out for doing this and I also believe he can hear it from her.
The second thing was about him needing to leave if I went off on him, just the way I was supposed to do when he went off on me (which I have actually put my foot down on in that department – so – no more). Now that he’s not yelling so I can easily point the finger, I’m seeing myself spurn him for things he does that irritate, frighten, or frustrate me. This I know has got to stop, and I am going to diligently work on it. I do want to show him how much love I have for him again now that there’s no more yelling, I’m also picking up on a love vibe from him toward me as well (I hope).
Finally, we are going to revamp our very strict budget to allow for some of our savings to be put aside every month for vacations and fun and not just keep saving only for house remodeling. We need have a little ‘together fun’ in our lives.
And that’s what we learned in therapy.
PS – I super like this therapist; much more than the last one we had who only kept saying I should know that Jerry loved me. With her the yelling didn’t seem to count and so was never addressed even though I brought it up numerous times. Many people downplay verbal abuse. They think, since it’s not physical, it’s no big deal. IT’S A BIG DEAL!!!! as anyone who is experiencing it will tell you. All I can say is – take them seriously. Being constantly yelled at can undermine one’s self-esteem. After a while it can make you feel that you are worth nothing to anyone. This is a huge burden to carry.