complex post-traumatic stress disorder, EMDR, fighting, husband & wife, Intimate relationship, marital conflict, Marriage, marriage problems, post traumatic stress disorder, PTSD, relationships, therapy, verbal abuse
I’m sure many people think that verbal abuse isn’t that bad. Those are the people who’ve never been a victim of it. If they’d experienced it, I’m sure they’d be singing a different tune. Being verbally abused feels like getting punched in the face.
EMDR therapy is so unique and I think it’s really working – much better than all the talk therapy I’ve had where nothing changed. I’m told that the EMDR brings out a ‘natural self’; the person I was meant to be under all the PTSD from my childhood. I feel that. Leaving Jerry was completely out of my purview before this. Now I can see it happening and I’m totally unafraid. It’s turning me into a mentally healthier person. Also, not being screamed at for a couple of weeks, I feel freer inside. I’ve been hiding for 30 years because of being a victim of verbal abuse.
Yesterday Jerry and I had our first discussion about his list. Here is the list. Most of these require a “Shoulder Moment”, where he takes me by the shoulders to get my attention (see above link for an explanation)
- Collaboration between both of us.
- Patience from her for Jerry’s physical health issues.
- Patience from him for Robin’s mental health issues.
- Explain each other’s prospective completely before rebuttal starts.
- Allow time for each one of us to respond to the issue at hand.
- No personal attacks.
- For inadvertent attacks. Attacker asks for forgiveness rather than being
judgemental. Keep it to the issue at hand. Take responsibility for a mistake.
- Work toward compromise with each other in decision making.
- Honor agreements and re-visit agreement when one of us is unable to comply as agreed.
- If anyone is making noise between 11 pm & 7 am it is that person’s responsibility to go to a separate room and close the door.
- Take responsibility for our own actions.
- Have a basis of mutual respect in the marriage.
We sat facing each other with our knees touching.
It was wonderful.
We were able to get through the list and adjust it to fit my needs as well as his own without any screaming on his part. I think that this marriage could very well be saved after all. He’s doing so well with the screaming I can hardly believe it. We’ve been married for over 30 years and I’ve taken the verbal battering all this time. I just wish I had been willing to leave him many years earlier. But it is what it is. I just couldn’t see myself doing it until I started the EMDR therapy.
PS: If you have been a victim of verbal abuse, can you tell me about it? I would love to hear from readers who have, like me, experienced this kind of PTSD trauma.