On 4/24/2018 my sister Jacqueline wrote:
Here is what I think. I think your life is so diminished by your living situation that you think your passive aggression is just you being scatterbrained even though while you were staying here I didn’t see any of that. I also didn’t see you dissociate and I didn’t tell you something that we did that you didn’t remember.
You know how you wished you had bought the cabinets from your picture but settled on the cheaper ones and after they were in you knew you had made the wrong choice? I think it may be time to get into a more peaceful living situation and not settle for what you have because it is too expensive.
You can put your stuff in storage here and stay at my place for a while like you did when you first came to California. Jerry is a kind of devil and you don’t need anymore lessons from living with him. He thinks I’m “rude and inconsiderate”. I know that is absolutely not true and you know it too. We both know that he was describing himself. He also is vested in being sick and will not do anything physically like eating better and quitting his addiction to soda which is what I think killed rick. And Jerry will not do anything “spiritual” to get better even though he professes to be “Christian”. Jerry’s Christ is Satan. He wants to be sick so he doesn’t have to take responsibility for his crappy behavior.
Your description of your dissociation is disturbing to me. I didn’t know it was so bad. I also think you don’t have to do it if you truly don’t want to. But in your current situation it is the way for you to take time outs. It is so negative there that you dissociate for almost any conscious reason but more probably for some unconscious reason. When it comes to your dissociation you sound just like Jerry. You put up with it and it is making your life hell. It’s victim-licious, meaning it’s a choice.
It’s time to divorce Jerry (whether you love him or not). You would be able to sell both houses, which would profit you considerably. Take that money, which is actually your inheritance, to get yourself into a more positive environment. I said sell both houses so you have no ties to Jerry at all. And don’t think about moving back to Watsonville where Jerry’s black aura lingers. I think God would help you to get the perfect job to help you financially. You are very good at organizing and that is a great skill. I was wowed by what you did for the welfare office organizing all the forms. You are not afraid of making mistakes either but I “know” this move would not be a mistake. It has been on my mind for quite a while.
I know it’s scary but it’s something to meditate on. Please think about doing this. I hate to see you this way. You were brave enough to confront dad. You are still just as brave as I witnessed your whole life. Even as a child, you stood up to dad telling him he was wrong even when you knew what he would do to you. I witnessed it so many times that it is undeniable. I tried to help you to not confront him but you weren’t the meek person that I was. I never ever confronted him and I have paid the price my whole life. Stop paying the price with Jerry. Please get out now. Don’t think about your new kitchen as yours. The way it came out, it isn’t yours anyway. Maybe you were told to remodel the house by God to get a better price when it is sold.
You believe in the truth and that there is help available to you from the spirit world. It is guiding me right now to help you. My healing is in my words. Please listen.
Wow. A lot of anger there. That’s what I felt as I read this. It scared me. You keep saying I’m ‘brave’. I wish you would stop saying that. It’s obvious that you have no idea what goes on in my head. I’m not brave so much as I’m CRAZY!!!!! This is why I’m here to learn my own lessons and not to be ‘teaching’ other people theirs. I’m a nut-case. You have to know this by now. Your experiences with me ought to have clued you into this by now. If not, then where have you been?
Do you think that maybe one of the things I have to do in this life is to work with Jerry and him to work with me? It looks messy to you but there’s something between us that looks like it may be starting to unfold. One of the reasons he acts so crazy is because I AM CRAZY!!! I can drive anyone to distraction – even you. Imagine living with me 24/7. Remember how I wanted to move with you into a duplex but you would have none of it? Ask yourself – WHY?
I told him that if there was one more episode of screaming that I would separate (not divorce) and go to Watsonville. I’m doing EMDR and this has gotten me to the point where I have nothing to lose but to tell him point blank what I need and want from him, I FINALLY told him what’s been on my heart and what I’ve known I needed from him for many many years. From childhood I learned NEVER to ask for anything from anyone! Asking for things only got me into deep deep trouble. So it’s only because I had nothing left to loose that made me willing to ask this of him.
When I’m being scatterbrained and unfocused (and I know this isn’t just because I’m with him) I need him to gently take hold of my arms, look me in the face and calmly tell me what he needs and wants from me. We’ve done this 3 out of a potential 5 times so far and every time it seems to work like a charm with me. And he’s in it with me. I start the ball rolling but he’s willing to take up the reigns with me. I wrote my heart out on a page and both of us have been reading it every day since I wrote it. It’s a new way to behave and that involves changing a habit which can be difficult. But reading what I wrote daily is serving to keep this new way forefront in our minds.
I’m not sure you know this – or believe it – but I live a very very lonely life here on this planet. But – I’m crazy – and it alienates people from me. I drank buckets to try to deal with this horrible aloneness and insanity between my ears. Then I got dropped into AA by a vision from God who showed me my future if I kept on doing what I was doing with the booze. But after a short while AA couldn’t handle me anymore. And I couldn’t be helped by them. Humans don’t have enough power to help me. By the time I was 2 years sober Jeanne had had it with me and left. Then God came back to me (and I know you know this story already) through Jesus who visited me in the flesh and who gave me the Holy Spirit (who I felt entering through the top of my head) to be my forever friend. God helped me with the loneliness by giving me a forever friend. Now, because I’m one with the heavens, I never have to feel that horrible endless loneliness I once had. My life is in the heavens not here on earth. Earth can’t take me – I’m TOO CRAZY for earthlings. I’m not fit for humans to handle. My purpose is a lonely one. To learn my own lessons. God comes by and talks to me here and there and it helps with the detangling . And I always have the H.S. to talk to through this earthly trip. I don’t know what I have to learn but God has done some straightening out in me in more than several ways. I need A LOT of straightening out. It’s like East L.A. in this head. Jackie, I was drinking QUARTS of HARD LIQUOR. QUARTS AND QUARTS OF IT and my head would still not shut down. I was given EMDR again through someone’s suggestion. This time for relationships, and I think it might be helping me get to a jumping off point with Jerry’s and my relationship.
How do you know I didn’t dissociate while I was with you? On the outside I look fine (?) But that does not belie what’s going on on the inside. Do you ever find yourself going into auto-pilot fantasy mode?
After this, if I have driven you to distraction (which it sounds like is happening). Maybe you better just drop me from your register. I’ll be ok. I always have the H.S. – my forever friend.