(I wrote this to Jerry after a talk we had today)
This is what I need from you.
I WILL REMIND YOU TO READ THIS PAPER EVERY DAY
I’m a scatterbrained girl and there doesn’t seem to be a way to make myself less scatterbrained. You HAVE to know this about me. You have to get what that means deep to the heart. You must always keep this in mind when you’re dealing with me, you’re dealing with a scatterbrained person.
Your screaming doesn’t make me less scatterbrained. All it does is make me more scatterbrained. Plus I feel like in order to get my wants and needs met I have to go behind your back.
I have needs and wants of my own but it feels like you only care about your own needs and wants. Only what you want and need matters and because you’re bigger and louder then me, you use your size and loud voice to get what you want. But you’re never going to get what you want this way.
You scream and want me to state my needs and wants and be honest with you. That’s like telling me to lead with the chin to a bully. Is that what you expect from me? To be honest and not lie but to take chin blows from you? Doing it this way, eventually the smaller, weaker person has to give in. And that’s what happens to me. Sometimes I try to do this, but you can never win this way with a bully. Size is the only thing that matters with a bully and I simply don’t have the size and loudness.
You bully me because you know you’ll get your wants and needs met that way. But this is only for the moment. In the long run, this will get you nothing. Only a partner that runs and hides and lies to you and who can never love and respect you. Because I’m not a dog you can kick knowing that they’ll come back and lick you on the hand. You won’t face consequences when you kick a dog. But you have to face consequences when you do this to a human being. God made me a human being and I can’t act as a dog does. You have to know you’re not dealing with a dog but with a human being. And you WILL face consequences. In fact, you already do.
My wants and needs count too, even though I’m littler than you are. I’m a person too, even though I’m littler.
And this is what I think you want. To have a partner who loves and cherishes and respects you and who will give you what you want and need to the best of her ability. How is screaming at her going to get you this?
I need you to try a different tact with me and I really think this is the better way to get what you need and want and also to keep my heart for you too. I KNOW that doing this will make me less scatterbrained. If I’m being scatterbrained, THINK “She’s being scatterbrained again”. Take me GENTLY by the shoulders and CALMLY tell me what you want and need. But there’s more. You have to LISTEN to what I want and need too. You never do this. Still holding me, if my needs and wants are different then yours, we have to talk it out to get to a compromise we BOTH can live with.
It starts with you Jerry. You have to know you’re dealing with a FEMALE human being and not a male one. Because I’m female and, unlike a male, I DO have a give back button. You don’t have to worry that you won’t get what you want from me. I guarantee that you will – if you try this new tact.
From now on, I WILL DO MY BEST to love and respect you. I will give you what you want and need to the best of my ability, provided it does not interfere with my needs and wants too. If this happens, then – remembering that you’re dealing with a scatterbrained person – take hold of me GENTLY, so that we can CALMLY discuss it until we come to an agreement with each other.
I am going to take care of myself. My EMDR therapy is shaking things up. I’m going to give you the space you need to change. But, if there’s another screaming episode – even one – I’m going to call Lynette and give our tenant 45 days to find a new place. I won’t tell them they have to move, just look for a place and tell me when they’ve found it. I’ll give you that time to change too. If you change by the time they’ve found it, I won’t move to Watsonville. I’m hoping that you will have started interacting with me the new way by then. I’m hoping.