A nothing day.
My sponsor sent me an e-mail telling me that I broke an AlAnon member’s anonymity because I talked to her about her new adventure as a member of AA (she’s sober 60 days). The girl went to my sponsor and said “I guess the cat’s out of the bag”. I feel TERRIBLE about doing this. I tried to call the girl but she didn’t answer the phone. I thought about e-mailing her but then I wondered if anyone else read her e-mails. So I e-mailed my sponsor and told her how terrible I felt about what I did.
I’m staying home today – all day – for a change. Jerry is home with me too, as usual. He a homebody because he’s so sick all the time. I’m in great health and for this, seeing him struggle with his health, I am soooo grateful.
I managed to ‘meditate’ for 5 minutes today. I’m e-mailing my sponsor about it daily. This meditation is soooo hard for me and I haven’t the foggiest idea why. The only way to find out ‘why’ though is to do it and see what comes up as a result. Soooo hard! Even for just 5 minutes.
I hope I can say this without getting too jumbled up.
My twin sister Jackie called me. She wanted to talk about our brother Chris’ wife Mindy. Jackie went out to dinner with her and our nieces. Jackie paid for the dinner at a very expensive restaurant. Jackie ate only a small portion of the steak she got and asked Mindy to give the rest to Chris. So she called me to tell me that she didn’t think Mindy gave it to our brother. She texted Mindy about it several times and Mindy evaded her. I thought that that was shitty and I told her I hoped that Mindy was faced with the truth of her actions and humiliated for them.
But really, it seemed like Jackie wasn’t that invested in the steak. It was the idea that Mindy didn’t let him have it. She started to cry for Chris because of what happened to him when he was growing up. He’s told her that nobody cared if he lived or died. She started to cry for Chris and his being a lost child.
But then she started in about how our parents would have cared if WE died. The conversation got very discombobulated at that point. She went on to tell me that because we got ballet lessons and Chris didn’t get a football uniform, that that proved they did care. She told me that Chris was always hungry and they told him to eat left-overs in the fridge, this proved that they didn’t care about him. But then it got really bad. She proceeded to tell me what Dad and my relationship was about and that I’d ‘set my jaw’ against him – just like Mom did.
She’s sure she knows everything about how Chris and Dad were with each other and about how me and Dad were too. But she doesn’t know anything!!! And worse, it seemed that she didn’t care – about me. Only about Chris.
My reality was that I was the scape-goat of the family. But it had to be ‘all about Chris’ or I was being self-centered. The facts (to her) seem to be that I’m making a big deal about what I also went through with Dad – the malignant narcissist. Because I survived and improved my life, that was enough proof to her that I didn’t have it as bad as Chris did. But she doesn’t remember when Dad would say “That’s my boy” when Chris did something he was proud of. And Chris never tried to kill himself like I did – 3 times. The truth is that I’m still suicidal and the only thing that keeps me from offing myself is that I have been developing the discipline of gratitude – which I work at like a dog in order to keep from falling back into the pit of suicide obsession.
It became all too much to take. I hung up on her. I’ve never done that before.
Maybe it wasn’t a nothing day after all.