When God first made man… Genesis 1:26 …
Let us make man-kind
in our image.
God told Noah (even after the fall)… Genesis 9:6 …
For men are made
in God’s own image.
It is my belief that the above passages infer that every person (and not just Christians I might add) on planet earth carries a piece of our holy creator within themselves. From the president of the United States to the people who call the streets their home… everyone carries a piece of the Holy God… an image of Him… inside their persons (however, those who heed God’s call to Jesus the saving Christ, have a soul redeeming relationship).
Though the rest of our mortal bodies and souls have been tortured and mutilated by the effects of sin-trauma, this piece of God, this image of Him in us, remained protected, undamaged, pure, and fully intact. To us, who have been maimed and hurt by sin-trauma to the point where some of us feel we must kill ourselves as a way to make the excruciating pain from the sin-trauma stop, this undamaged piece of God in us is where our healing can and will come from. This piece of God communicates our healing to us in the form of very weak – or very strong – visions and voices. Our part is to overcome our skepticism and so become open-minded enough to receive these holy communications.
I did not understand what was happening back then. Nor did I have even one spiritual bone in my body at the time this first ‘God in me’s communication took place. Nevertheless, in 1980 this piece-of-God-in-me first showed Himself (I might add, before I heeded Christ’s call in 1982) so radically in a vision that it sobered this crazy, bourbon (a fifth-a-day) drinker, so that I have not had even one drink since that happened in 1980. Since then I have this piece-of-God to thank for a lot of healing done in me. It is only by the power of this God-in-me that I am now freed from many other addictions besides alcohol; cured from my obsession for suicide – and anxiety; and relieved from much of the sin-traumas I’ve experienced throughout my traumatic life.
From about the age of 5 until the age of 42, I had a desire to die to some degree. While I was still drinking I tried to end my life once at age 23. Then, after I got sober at age 25, my desire for suicide increased dramatically so that I was almost out of my mind with it. I tried to kill myself a total of three times. When I wasn’t trying it, I was obsessed about trying it. It was on my mind from the moment I woke up until the moment I put my head on my pillow at night. I’m almost certain it occupied my dreams at well. I could not get away from it.
In 1997, at 17 years sober, right after my third suicide attempt, I had an audio ‘vision’. An experience with this God in me once more. It came in the form of a booming voice scolding me. I was told in no uncertain terms to; “CUT IT OUT”. He told me I was no longer going to continue with the suicide ‘nonsense’. That I belonged to Him now and if I tried it a thousand times, I would not die but end up maiming myself and then have two problems to deal with; the original problem of being unable to deal with life in general and the handicap from the suicide attempt. Somehow I knew it was the truth. The suicide was over. As a result, I went into shock for several months as I came to realize that I would now have to consider living life in terms of years – not weeks or months anymore. It took a while to get my feet under me after that but slowly, step-by-step, God helped me get my bearings so that I could start living life for the ‘long haul’.
Right now you may be saying to yourself . “God? We don’t really need to bring God into this problem, do we?” But if you think about it, how well are we puny human beings, doing at going up against this tricky Goliath – suicide obsession? How good a job are we doing battling this gigantic, slippery monster on our own? So why not give God a shot at it? He has power… and wisdom… to fight it. This is my opinion.. and my experience with Him.
God had to yell at me to stop the suiciding back then because a normal tone of voice would have gone right past me. It wasn’t until 2013 that I discovered this miracle…. God living inside me… that I could hear Him speak at a normal level. I don’t know why it took me this long to get the ‘God in me’ concept. I guess I’m a pretty hard-headed case. Before 2013 He had to come at me like gang-busters. I was not able to hear him speak in a normal tone of voice like I can today. Today, because I know that He is inside me, I can ‘incline my ear to His voice’. Today I can stop… get quiet… and listen. Now I finally understand. He’s there… in me…. trying to help me get better.
In 2013, as I was overcoming my addictions to junk food and cigarettes, I realized what God was trying to say when He wrote the above passages in His holy book. When I recognized the implications of these passages, they took my breath away. A piece of God was actually living inside each of us?! A living and breathing piece of God inside every human being who walked this planet? This was grand, grand news. For the first time in my life I felt like I might be able to reach God by reaching ‘inward’ for Him. This was ‘doable’ for me. With all the sin-trauma I’d experienced in my life it was impossible for me to reach ‘outward’ to anything or anyone for help. I was too scared to reach outward and this fear was so powerful I could not overcome it. But I could reach inward for the help I needed to get well. So if God was within me, I could reach for Him there? This inward God solved my relational handicap dilemma and cut through all the fear.
Somehow I knew that I needed to make contact with this God who was living inside me. And He was there… waiting for me to approach him. Somehow I knew that all the answers to all my problems lay with that piece of Him inside me. I began to reach inside myself and to make contact. Words were not necessary either, which was nice too as conversation had always been difficult for me. For me, talking… conversation… was terrifying. Verbal interaction had always been met with serious danger growing up. But if all that was required was mental connection, well I could do that. It was like holding hands without talking; just me and this piece of God in me… mind-touching-mind… my mind with His. It was so wonderful that, in fact, this is all I wanted to do… for hours at a time. I laid on my smooth-made bed, wrapped up in my warm-fuzzy blanket… and thought….
Piece of God in me
I feel You near…
All wisdom and all power…
All love and mercy. . .
Please fix my…..
[name the sin trauma]
I’d just lay there on my bed… for hours.. bringing my pain and questions to that piece of God inside me, staying open-minded and ready for a vision or a voice from Him to come to me to fix the trauma I’d brought to Him, in however way He wanted to work the trauma out. I just knew He loved me and wouldn’t fail to bring me the answers I needed. And He’s been there, working on me… 100%.
However, this reaching for God was very tentative at first because I was frightened to sit still for any length of time. In the beginning of sitting quietly I would immediately be inundated by some very, very ugly childhood demon-voices. They were very loud and very ugly. They would yell at me things like…
“You’re stupid. You’re such an idiot. You’re so clumsy. You should have said/done…. You shouldn’t have said/done…. Why did you do/say that? You’re a-know-it-all. You think your so smart. What the hell’s the matter with you?! What’s wrong with you?! Grow up! Why are you so God damned dumb?! How can you be so stupid!? We don’t care about you. We could care less about you. No body cares/likes you. You’re good for nothing. You’re so fat and ugly, who could ever possibly love you?!! You ought to be ashamed of yourself! How dare you… (do that /say that)! Why don’t you just go play on the free-way. You deserve capital punishment. You don’t deserve to live. You deserve death. Why don’t just go away and die.” (ad nauseum)
But in 2013, getting free from junk food and cigarettes made me desperate enough to face the demon-voices head on. I called them ‘boogie men’. I was ready to face them hoping against hope that my God within me would help me with them. Which indeed, He did.
As I lay on my bed, wrapped in my blanket quietly, I waited for the ugly voices to overtake me – which they did – post haste as usual. Then I had this vision. I saw a woman that I instantly recognized to be a ‘mom’. She was not my biological mother but was a very warm and caring, motherly type woman. (example of my biological mother’s skills see this post HERE) I ‘knew’ that this mom was created by the piece of God and had only one purpose:
to protect me from any further
physical and psychological harm
She did this by removing the ugly voices. As I watched, I saw her quickly dispatch the ugly ‘voices’ – clamey, blue-skinned, bent-over, veiny, beastly, creatures, with big flappy feet – to a warehouse. She shoved the voices away in this warehouse, barred the warehouse door tightly behind her; locked the door and gave the key to Jesus who promptly slipped it into the deep pocket of his floor length tunic. Suddenly, for the first time in my life, there was complete silence in my head. All but two of the demon voices with their incessant ugly chatter… were gone. Not all of them; there were still two very weak ones left; I’m not sure why yet, but it’s been months (years in 2016) now without the voices plaguing me. And even the two weak ones left have very little power in them. Certainly nothing about telling me to die anymore.
Our Holy God has huge compassion and loves us desperately. He so very much wants to see us well and happy. And this piece of Him which He has placed in each one of us at the very beginning of our creation has all the power and ability to heal us. This piece of Him is constantly trying to communicate healing to us, but we must become willing to open our eyes and our ears in order to receive the healing He can and will abundantly provide. And we must be willing to wade through the muck and mire of the demon voices to get to the door where this piece of God in us resides so that we can receive our healing. I don’t know why we must overcome these demon voices to get to God, but I know that, since God holds such a super-naturally powerful, compassionate, love for us, this gives me faith that there must be a very good reason for the boogie men voices to be there, and besides, I found out that these demon voices are just ‘blow’ with no real ‘bite’. And I know that God can… and will… swoop down and dispatch them easily for you. If you will but let go and trust
Sometimes voices from our Holy God may come as ethereal and almost undetectable whispers that we can barely make out inside our minds or hearts. Sometimes they may come as loud and booming voices which can not be denied. Sometimes visions may come like movies, that play out in the front of our mind’s eye. Sometimes they may be so visible that they can be seen across a wall or a windshield with our eyes wide open. Sometimes the visions or voices will be somewhere in between these two extremes.
Each person’s recovery is unique to that person. God has a healing program suited to the needs of each one of us as individuals.
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ADDENDUM: June 2017
The ‘voices’ are still gone. They have never returned… to this day I am free of them.