Something very interesting happened tonight that I thought you would like to hear about. I’m taking training to be on the Crisis Call Center hotline. This evening we did role playing with the trainers for the first time in the training. Well I did a pretty piss-poor job of it and the feed-back I got from the others showed that too. This would have been a perfect ‘set up’ for me to rail against myself you think, wouldn’t it? This would have been the perfect situation for the ‘ugly voices’ to have come at me – enforce.
You’re stupid. You’re such an idiot. You’re so clumsy. You should have said/done…. You shouldn’t have said/done…. Why did you do/say that? You’re a-know-it-all. You think your so smart. What the hell’s the matter with you?! What’s wrong with you?! Grow up! Why are you so God damned dumb?! How can you be so stupid!? We don’t care about you. We could care less about you. No body cares/likes you. You’re good for nothing. Go play on the free-way. You deserve capital punishment. You don’t deserve to live. You deserve death. Why don’t just go away and die.
But that didn’t happen. Instead, something else happened. Remember how I told you that God created a ‘mom’ for me who where-housed my mean, ugly voices? Well on the way home from the training I got this peculiar sensation. I saw the voices from inside the where-house and I saw the where-house from the outside too. Inside it, the voices looked like ugly blue/green veiny goblins with long skinny arms, squat full-bellied bodies and skinny legs with fat, floppy, veiny feet and they were grabbing onto the where-house doors and rattling them for all they were worth trying to get them to open so they could get at me to maim and mutilate me some more because of my doing so badly in the role play. On the outside view I could see the doors being rattled but standing strong with it’s lock and barred closure so that I knew was safe and secure from them. This made me I feel – safe.
I didn’t do a very good job at the role play, but without the ugly voices beating me up, I felt ok anyway. I wasn’t perfect. In fact I pretty much stunk, but I was still – ok. The mean, ugly voices were being kept away from me so they couldn’t do any damage to my self-worth, my self-confidence, and my self-esteem as a human being because I did the role play badly. I felt a little bit scared. Just a little bit, because I could hear and see the doors rattling. But mostly, because I knew the doors would hold, I was feeling – peaceful. It was such a strange feeling, and such a strange vision.
It was a gosh darned miracle. I escaped unscathed.
Now I’m going to bed. I’m going to pray to God for the doors to hold while I’m asleep. I’m going to pray that the ugly goblin voices don’t get out while I sleep and attack me in my dreams.
Oops – I almost got into the blame game.
It’s all their fault. It was because they were
looking at me. That’s why I did so poorly.
I don’t want to slide into that slimy pit either.