(the first post in this series is here: On Being a Social Outcast )
It seems I’m on the emotional ‘roller coaster’ again with no idea where I’m going to next. Apparently I haven’t arrived at God’s destination for me as the ride isn’t over yet. I’m so tired of … one… more… time… having to deal with all these uncontrollably, wild feelings!! It’s not bad enough that I have to deal with food addiction; I have to deal with all this child-abuse-PTSD too!!??
This morning I cried my eyes out in Church. Was it something the pastor said that made me cry for that part of me who took the brunt of the abuse? Or was it because I was thinking about why I always put “Very Bad” on my daily feeling inventory for Lumosity. Everyday, when I e-mail my A.E.I.O.U.Y.G., to Marilyn I tell her feel sullen. Everyday, in the depths of me, there’s a furnace of slow burning rage.
Lately I’ve become unable to allow God to connect with my sullen little girl so that she can get the soothing she so desperately needs. I just can’t make the connection for some reason. I think she might want/need to be physically touched (?) I tried to touch her (me) with my own hand by rubbing my shoulder and thigh, but it didn’t help. I should be asking my husband to touch me but he isn’t a ‘touchy’ type of guy. I do complain about that sometimes, but what I need to do is ask him for touch – and ask regularly. I know he’d be glad to respond to my request, but it’s so hard to ask others for things I need. This is child-abuse stuff – this asking thing that scares me so much. Asking for stuff was a dangerous thing to do in my childhood home. It could get you in big trouble!
Per Dr Spocks’ instructions (the baby doctor of the 1950’s), mom let us (me and my twin sister) cry in our cribs until we just stopped crying on our own. There was no holding – no touching – except for the times she fed us. One more thing I got screwed out of. It feels like my parents didn’t do anything right in parenting us.
Am I grieving my lost childhood? Am I just going through another stage of ‘the grieving process’? Have I been in ‘denial’ for the last 30 years sober and am now moving to another stage? I’ve always just ‘studied’ what happened to me. I stayed away from experiencing it like I did in Church today. Am I in a ‘sadness’ part of the grief process? Is there such a thing as ‘sadness’ in the grief process?
After church I went to Costco for groceries. I wanted to get a ‘flan’ soooo badly!! It was on sale. There was a whole case of them. I was drooling for it – which raised the red flag for me. When I want a food that badly I know it’s because I want to use it to get away from feeling something. Most likely it was about the feelings I had at Church.
(the next post in this series is here: Her