(the first post in this series is here: On Being a Social Outcast )
In the saga of: “Living Life With No Addictions or Obsessions”, my journey continues.
The last few days I’ve been full to the brim with fear. Terrified really.
I’ve noticed that I’m again getting frustrated when ‘things’ don’t co-operate. One more time, it’s getting harder to read without being continually hounded by distracting thoughts. I’m also noticing a strong desire to co-dependent myself to others again. To ‘help’ them, by using their admiration of me, as ego food for soothing my inner introject-baby-dad (this is what I’m calling him now). I’d been fully freed of these problems for a while now, but lately, they’ve begun to roar back in again, and I’m helpless to stop them. This is making me very afraid.
Is this ‘program’ I’ve set for myself going to work? Maybe it isn’t!! I’ve started to direly pray to Pops (my name for God) for help. I don’t know what to do next. The only thing I’m sure of right now is that I must continue to not addict or obsess on anything. Right now I’m begging Him for help.
I thought I should pick up the Bible and get some answers that way. But reading only seemed to make me madder. Paul says in Corinthians 1:17…
For Christ didn’t send me to baptize,
but to preach the Good News
and not with clever speech,
for fear that the cross of Christ
would lose its power.
Not with ‘clever speech’?!! Bullshit! Paul talks ‘clever speech’ all over the New Testament! When it comes to interpreting Jesus, he thinks he’s got a corner on the market!
Well apparently the Bible reading didn’t work.
* * *
I just realized this. I’m trying to ‘run the show’ again! One-more-time, I’m trying to orchestrate my own recovery. I can’t do that! My screwed up head is way, way beyond my ability to un-screw. Everything is so complicated in there. I don’t know the first thing about what’s wrong with me, or how to fix it. Only Pops does.
Pops just told me… it’s going to be OK. Everything’s going according to His plan. I just have to trust (the other word for faith) that He knows what He’s doing. And He certainly does know what He’s doing… for sure!
But wait!! Pops just said this to me!
Not to worry.
It’s… only… two… steps… forward,
… and… one… back.
I’m so glad I wrote this!! It put me ‘back in the groove’ again! But this time the groove is… hang on (i.e.: not practice any addictions or obsessions)…. watch myself operate from on high again, as I go through yet another ‘phase of the process’…. and trust that Pops is, indeed, orchestrating my recovery.
It may not look like it right now. The boat’s being rocked at the moment. But, if I continue not to addict or obsess. If I keep on ‘keeping on’, everything truly is going to be …. ok.
The next post in this series is here : My Take on Co-Dependency