In giving up all my addictions and obsessions, this is where I’ve come to so far.
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I think I’m finally getting a handle on what the AA’ers mean when they refer to Steps 6 & 7…
Here is Step 6, from the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous:
Were entirely ready to have God remove
all these defect of character
And here is Step 7
Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings
Last week I went through an experience that I wrote about. I’m not going to go over it again because I already wrote about it in detail, in a previous post. The post is here: They Call It “Self-Soothing”
Well today, while we were walking the dogs together, my husband and I further discussed what exactly happened to me that day. On that day, for the first time in all these 34 years sober, I truly believe I did a thorough, ‘through-and-through’, Step 6 & 7 in the area of dealing with my introject-father. I wrote a post about this. It is here: The Introject-Father
AA’ers have a phrase in the program that goes like this.
I can’t… God can… I think I’ll let God
While walking, suddenly my understanding of Steps 6 & 7 became crystal clear… clear as a bell. My introject-father is so huge!… and so totally bonkers crazy, that it needs a constant supply of a very Powerful, Soothing Love, to keep it calmed down. (For more about this, go to this post: It’s All About Self-Soothing )
Then I saw myself… how puny I was. And I knew… to my bones…
I myself do not have the Power to satisfy it!
In my heart of hearts I finally understood what the AA’ers meant when they talked about learning…
the exact nature of our wrongs.
For me, I have a better understanding of this phrase when I say it this way:
The exact nature of…
what the hell’s wrong with me!
I saw that I simply did – and do not – have enough power-charged Love to pacify and satiate my particularly insane introject-father. The amount of Super-Naturally Powerful Soothing Love… that he needs to keep his feet planted on this planet – to soothe this amount of insanity – has… to… come… from… something/one... greater than me. Only God has a Love powerful enough to take care of the introject-fathers’ needs and so bring peace between all my parts.
Really, there are two jobs that must be done in conjunction with each other, to keep him under control. But who does what job?
This is what God told me.
(for more about how I stumbled upon a pure, loving God, go to these posts: How I Stumbled upon a Pure Loving God )
It’s GOD’s job… to fix this ‘character defect’. He’s doing this by soothing the introject-father to calm him down and stop him from being so wild and attacking my little girl.
My job is to… consciously… get out of the way!!….
God will not force Himself into my life. I have to voluntarily and consciously allow Him to come in. I have to give Him enough elbow room to work His magic. I’m not doing any of the work of fixing me, myself.
It’s hard to describe what this feels like but I’ll try the best I can.
There’s an ‘inner stiffness’ in your body when you’re trying to control a character defect. You don’t have to know exactly what the ‘problem’ is. In fact, I think it’s better if you don’t know. The less you know about what’s wrong, the less you will try to control it. And the less you try to exert control, the better. You won’t be trying to ‘run the show’. But when you consciously make a decision to trust God to handle your problem, now you no longer have to fret about it. In a stance of complete faith and trust, you are allowing God to take care of it. And He will, and quite well I might add. God can do a whole lot better job of fixing me then I ever could.
You can get a better sense of what this feels like by actually saying… out loud; ” I’m hurting really bad God, can you please come in and fix whatever’s causing all this pain?” . Then… listen. Get quiet… and really listen. If you’re quiet enough… believing He will talk to you… you will get some kind of illumination about how He’s going fix this problem you haven’t a clue about. The answer you get will most likely be totally unexpected; something you’ve never thought before. When I’m relaxed, in a faith frame of mind, the answer usually comes pretty quickly.
But there’s a catch to this. My ‘Letting Go’ muscle is weak from lack of exercise. So right now I’m having to do the letting go consciously and continually throughout the day. Like learning to drive a car. At first you have to do the task carefully and consciously. But with continued practice it becomes second nature. You don’t have to think about it. You can do it effortlessly. This isn’t a terrible task, but in the beginning, it does take some work.
The next post in this series is here: Well, This is a Surprise