(the first post in this series is here: On Begin A Social Outcast )
I used to have difficult feelings of aloneness and rejection because of being mostly alone here in blog-world, but this is changing. I still feel like I’m pretty much alone here, but since the ability to God/Self Soothe has ‘clicked in’ (by going through what I did the last 2 months) I’m definitely holding within myself, a dramatically different view of this aloneness. I think what I’ve been doing so far has really pushed me around the corner in my ability to adapt to inner and outer stresses. I really do believe I’ve come to a place where God is truly my ‘center’ – for everything.
I’m seeing dramatic changes in myself… dramatic ones. Suddenly I’m finding myself easily able to read whole books in a single day where it used to be difficult to concentrate on even 5 pages worth. Chores are now accomplished with a seeming inner grace, where as before everything life demanded of me, was overwhelming. My ability to cope with every day problems (like spilled milk) has increased enormously. My relationship with my husband has completely transformed since my emotional dependence on him has all but disappeared. Also, my sense of dependence upon other humans for self-esteem, is now completely gone. These are only a few changes I’ve noticed in myself. And the changes are striking. I feel like a totally different person. There seems to be hardly even a shadow of what I was like before I dove head-long into processing the harrowing traumatic event (talked about in earlier posts) without resorting to any earthly help what-so-ever.
It feels like God is now my ‘center’. My dead-on center, and there is no other thing on this planet that I emotionally need. Top to bottom and side to side, He’s filling up my whole sense of self. I don’t seem to need anything from this world anymore. I just need Him. As I walked my puppies this afternoon I could hardly contain a feltness of overflowing joy at being able to have Him with me, and to so fully sense His presence filling up my entire being. My cup truly runneth over with a fullness of His potent, soothing, Love.
The next post in this series is here: I’ve Accidentally Un-Buried Something Priceless