(the first post in this series is here: On Being A Social Outcast )
There is a link at the bottom of this post
that will take you to the next post in this series.
Here is an article about recovering from childhood trauma that I thought was very good.
In the article mentioned above, this part of me, who I call the adolescent, is what the author refers to as the ‘judgmental self’.
I want to talk more about this adolescent part of me I’ve discovered coming out in full glory as a result of refusing to run to addictions or obsessions to avoid the pain of a life crisis.
To me, the adolescent part is that part of me which has been parroting what my father first told me about myself, backed up by all the other people I’ve come in contact with who seemed to also hold these same views.
My father said that all the problems he had with me were my fault – my adolescent has been parroting the same. He said that if I’d just shape up and fly right, then he wouldn’t have to knock the devil out of me. My adolescent has been wholly agreeing with him in this. His physical abuse told me I should be dead or severely punished for something. My adolescent says the same. His wholehearted neglect spoke volumes too. By this neglect, my adolescent inferred that I was not worth the paper my name was written on. That I shouldn’t be kept alive because I was taking up oxygen and space people who were more deserving should have.
The vehemence with which my adolescent self has been parroting this violent negativity toward my child self seems to carry all the weight and muscle exercised against me by my father and others. My father held a very strong conviction about his views of me, so my adolescent self follows with this same strength of conviction.
By my adolescent self realizing that she too must endure complete agony as a result of her own lashing out, she is becoming willing to give up her views and to acquiesce.
They say don’t give up before the miracle happens. I’m being witness to a miracle here.
My horribly judgmental, adolescent part is finally becoming willing to give my poor child part… a break.
The next post in this series starts here: My Journey Out From Under the Gun of a Psychopath