This is the first post of this series, which here began in earnest when I hit my first crisis.
The No-Addictions, No- Obsessions – Experiment
Takes Off Like a Rocket
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This is the first of a series of posts about the ‘addiction & obsession free experiment I’ve been on for the last nine months. Up to now, this experiment has been chugging along at a reasonable pace. I haven’t been writing about it because, frankly, I haven’t had much to say. But now I’m facing my first crisis without using anything to come between me and my feelings and all the PTSD flashbacks I’m experiencing because of it. The nature of this crisis is apparently a doozy in that, some how, it hit the mark of child-hood trauma… dead on center. I very much want to continue the ‘experiment’ until they harvest my organs and put me in the crematorium. I’m a very strong behaviorist at heart. And very, very curious to know exactly ‘how things work’.
* * *
Here is the first real crisis I’ve encountered
since I began navigating through the maze of life
without resorting to any addictive substances
or obsessive/compulsive behaviors.
The crisis was… a good Christian friend of mine told me to take a hike.
* * *
This last year, in my 34th year of sobriety, I suddenly became absolutely determined to meet my inner ‘boogy man’. The one who’s been terrorizing me all these years, and whom I’ve been running so hard to escape from my entire life. I had no other agenda but to find out who he was. The way I’m going about my journey to meet him*, is through giving up any and all the addictive substances and compulsive/obsessive behaviors I’ve been using to run from him. All subsequent posts I’ve written lately, are tied into this theme. My addiction and obsession-free journey.
This is the first real hurdle I’ve had to scale in my journey.
(* I’m female, but my boogie-man is male. This may seem odd, but this is the way I feel it.)
* * *
I’ve come to a bare bones truth about myself. As I look out at the landscape of my life, I can see it plain as day. There is no place for me in this world. It is my lot in life to be a social outcast. I don’t know why this is but I have come to it’s wholehearted truth. Not a single solitary soul on this planet wants me. Maybe this applies to God as well.
It began with my family and continued from there. I was born accidentally. I was not created as an egg and a sperm but from a sloughed off cell of my twin sister. From the very beginning, my father had a passionate hated of me. So much so that I know he would have killed me as an infant if he thought he could have gotten away with it. This is no exaggeration. I know in my heart this is the truth.
My mother cared nothing for me either. My sister and brother, the same. As a child I was completely rejected by everyone. I never had a single friend. I was simply not wanted.
I don’t know why it is this way, and now I have finally, blessedly, stopped asking for an answer. It’s just the way the deck of cards happened to be delt. I don’t believe there is an answer.
The reality of it finally and firmly hit home a few days ago. It hit me squarely between the eyes. A perfect bulls eye. A girl I considered to be my only friend told me she didn’t want to be around me anymore. She looked me square in the face and told me not to come back.
I’ve been running from this reality my whole life. I’ve run from it in alcohol, junk food, cigarettes, trading sex for love, stealing, suicide attempts, ingratiating myself to others, and in many other ways. I’ve even run to Christianity to get away from this truth.
Now I’m doing none of these. No addictions to keep the truth at bay.
No more running. I’m finally facing it. The ugly truth. The boogy man I’ve been running from so hard. The unequivocal truth. I do not belong anywhere, neither on this earth nor in heaven. For reasons I can not understand, my basic physical needs seem to be being met; food, clothing, and shelter. But when I die I feel that my soul will most likely evaporate.
I am only just beginning to come to grips with this reality. It’s sad, a very sad thing to finally face. Truth be told, I’m having some tears over it. But I’m no longer fighting it. No longer railing against it. I’m in the process of full acceptance. This is just the way it is for me. My place is nowhere. Neither here, nor in the hereafter. I belong to nowhere.
The next post in this series is here: And This is the Way He Would Beat Her