I’m still abstaining from flour/sugar products. On the 15th it will be three months.
I was on the phone with my Overeater’s Anonymous (OA) sponsor last night and what came out was the word depression. She asked why the depression and I could only say; “I don’t know why.” So she suggested I write about it… which is why I’m writing about it.
Last night I had a very helpful though terrifying dream about depression. It wasn’t pretty but it was helpful. I believe God was trying to clue me in; to get through to me something very important that I should know about myself.
I hate myself… but there is no “Why”.
While I slept, pictures came flooding into my mind that were so nightmarish they woke me up. I’d go back to sleep and more of them swirled to the surface so that I’d wake up again.
In my dream…
It was all about people… people, words and actions… people showing me in various ways that they didn’t like me… that I was something to be detested. People… mom and dad… beating me… screaming at me… calling me names and telling me I was no damned good. Kids at school and in the neighborhood, jeering at me, telling me time after time to “Go Home!” . High school kids steering clear of me… no one talking to me there. College… Sometimes they’d play sophisticated but humiliating games with me… ones that I’d submit to just so I’d have some company. I can’t even talk about them, the shame of it is just too big to bear. Job after job… I was left alone, but by this time I’d been programmed to keep my distance. I’d do my job but only in the shadows. I had fear so huge it was to be avoided at any cost.
People just hated me.
And here’s the very crux of it…“I don’t know why!” Here we are at the beginning of the question of why I’m such a detestable person… I don’t know why! because there never was an answer within myself as to the why. It’s a very understandable question and, through the horrible dream, now I see that. The thing is… I never knew ‘why.’
I still don’t know why. Because I never knew. My head is whirling right now. why… why… why…
God loves me… God, the Holy Spirit, Jesus… loves me. I know that for sure. This is the only reason my feet are still planted on this earth.
I wish I was out of this world. There was drinking… lots and lots and lots of alcohol. Then junk food… flour/sugar products… and all the time… Suicide. Now there’s none of that. But here’s the question again. I am hate-able… and I don’t know why. Maybe there will never be an answer to this question for me while I live in this fleshly form. Maybe I’m not supposed to know while I walk this earth. Maybe that’s just part of the plan… I don’t know why.