Getting on my knees is getting harder and harder. I am railing against turning my life and will over to something other than myself. I am so used to taking care of me by myself. Funny… I need God to stay away from alcohol. I have a conscious connection with Him all day long… to stay sober. But this food business is a whole lot trickier than the alcohol. I am truly bewildered by it all.
Also, not eating compulsively is getting more and more difficult right now too. It is because I am pushing against turning the problem over to God – I think – but I am not sure. I do not know what is going on right now. My head is whirling with questions and discomfort and talking to other OA people just adds to the stress. I feel like I am getting to the point where I was with the booze. Neither AA, nor anyone in AA, could help me. My head is too tricky. Example: one day God swooped in and took a constant high-level anxiety away (November 2010). I did not even realize I had constant anxiety… because it was so constant. I just thought that that was the way life was supposed to be… very difficult. I did not even know I had an anxiety problem. I feel like I am way over my head trying to get fixed up so there is some semblance of sanity.
I still have some anxiety, but not at the level that it used to be. And it is only when I am dealing with situations and people now. Not… all… the… time… Now, when I am by myself, I get respites.
I have so much fear of getting close to anyone. Even my husband and I stay as arms’ length from each other. It is ok with him though because he’s people-shy too.
The therapist I see for the food addiction has a lot of insight. She says I need to feel a ‘heart-connection’ with another person first, before I can be honest and open with them. I hope I can develop one with her. But the skittishness feels almost impossible to overcome. I am sure a fight will happen with violent and angry words followed by being humiliated and then completely abandoned. This sounds just like my childhood.
I feel like I am losing it. But I do not know what the ‘it’ is. God connection in a much deeper, more intimate, and vulnerable way than I have been being with Him so far? But I am terrified of any kind of intimacy… even intimacy with the Creator. First there is the violence, humiliation and abandonment that is sure to happen, but there is also something else. I do not know if I was sexually abused as a child, or because I slept around so much, or because of the rape, but I connect intimacy in a sexual way, which is (needless to say) pretty disturbing. This intimacy stuff is really perverted in my brain.